Caecus
by Miss Peg
Summary: A vicious attack leaves Maura with life changing injuries. Seeing Maura in such a vulnerable state reminds Jane just how much she means to her.
1. Chapter 1

**Author Notes : I've been planning on writing at least some of this story for a while and today decided to jump in and start it properly. I really want to explore Jane and Maura's relationship in this context, as well as delving into Maura a bit more, too. I will work on finishing Rewind asap so that I can put my time into this one as well as Lullaby.**

 **Disclaimer : I don't own Rizzoli and Isles, I just play in their sandbox.**

* * *

"When did it arrive?" Korsak asked, snapping on a pair of gloves.

"This morning," Maura said, handing over the letter. "I went out to get the newspaper and it was on the mat."

"Hand delivered?"

"Yes."

"Frankie," Korsak said. "Get uniform to go to Maura's and do a sweep of the front yard. Maybe they left a print nearby."

"On it," he said, slipping out of the room.

Jane rested a hand across Maura's back, and she leaned against it. The comfort of her closest friend's touch eased the worry. She knew the score. She knew the risk she took every time she agreed to take the stand. It wasn't the first threat she'd received, but it was the first one that came directly to her home. Having Jane and Korsak on the case made her feel safer.

"I gonna get ya bitch u bettr watch wat u doin cos I gonna crak u up. Stay outta my bizness or ur gonna be saying amen in hell," Korsak read aloud. "Hardly a poet, is he?"

"Can we get a car on the house?" Jane asked.

"No, Jane, there's no need," Maura said. She didn't want a fuss. Most of the threats she had received over the years were empty. There was nothing to suggest this one would be any different. All she needed was for her heart to catch up with her head.

"We've got a safe house down by the court," Korsak said. "It's probably for the best if you stay there until the trial."

"It's tomorrow afternoon. I will be fine until then."

Jane pursed her lips. "Maura."

"Jane."

"Please go to the safe house." Her voice broke in the middle. "You don't know what kind of nut job wrote this. They can't even write properly."

"Here's hoping they can't do anything else properly, either," Maura said.

Jane gritted her teeth. "I won't let you go home. If you won't stay at the safe house, you can at least stay with me."

"There's really no need," Maura said, though she still wasn't entirely convinced her mind was right. "But thank you, Jane. It would be lovely to spend the evening at your home."

x

Jane placed a towel on the end of the bed and hovered in the doorway. Maura brushed her hair, her attention focused on the mirror on the nightstand. The methodical act of running the brush through her hair calmed her somewhat. She could see Jane's reflection. The concern etched across her face. Maura had been in this situation before. She wasn't afraid of threats. Seeing how much this one affected Jane planted a seed of doubt that settled uncomfortably in her stomach. What if it wasn't just a threat?

"I'll be fine," she said, pushing the thoughts aside.

Jane leaned against the doorframe. "We're gonna do everything we can. Even if it takes us all night."

"Are you going back to BPD?"

"Korsak's expecting me."

"You shouldn't be wasting your time."

The bed sunk beside her. Maura lowered her brush down to the nightstand and turned to Jane. Her hand wrapped tightly around Maura's. She'd never seen her look so worried before.

"This isn't my first threat and it won't be my last. You know how it is with this job."

"I do," Jane said. "Which is why I'm taking this one seriously."

"Why?" Maura tugged her hand out of Jane's grasp and picked up the brush again. She didn't want to dwell on the situation. Jane's worry made it harder to ignore the incessant niggling feeling in the back of her mind.

"The last time someone made a threat against us, they carried it out."

The fire. The kidnapping. The shooting. Angela lost her boyfriend because someone wanted revenge on Jane.

But the letter bore more resemblance to the empty threats they'd both received over the years. What happened to Jane months before started with a vicious attack on her home, not with an obvious threat.

"This is different, Jane," she said. Abandoning the brush again, she reached out to Jane's shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze.

"I hope so. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you." She placed her hand over Maura's and stood up, allowing Maura's hand to fall back down to her side. "I'd best get back. Call me if you need me."

"I won't, but thank you."

x

Kent handed her a scalpel. Leaning over the body on the table, Maura pressed down in the centre of the chest and ran the scalpel through the skin. The first cut was the most satisfying. It was the start of a new exploration into the complex discovery of a cause of death, and she felt the giddy wave of excitement that filled her every time she began to solve a new puzzle. The lack of outside injury signaled internal injury, or something more sinister.

"What are you doing here?" Jane shouted. Maura paused, then returned to finishing off the long slice through the body. "Kent, why did you let her in here?"

"Shouldn't she be here?" he asked.

"No, she shouldn't be here," Jane said. She moved around to the other side of the body and rested her balled up fists against her hips. "Maura."

She lifted her head. "I'm working."

"You're supposed to be at the town house."

She handed the scalpel back to Kent and marched toward her office. "I feel safer in a building full of law enforcement officers, than a property not far from where the initial threat way made."

"Shall I finish up, then?" Kent asked.

"Prepare the body, I will be back shortly."

She opened the door to her office and held it wide open. She glanced at Jane, then motioned for her to enter the office ahead of her. She finally got the hint and entered the room. Maura closed the door behind them.

She pursed her lips. "I would appreciate it if you didn't interrupt me in the middle of an autopsy."

"I would appreciate it if you'd take this more seriously," Jane said.

"I am." She pulled her cellphone out of her scrubs pocket. "I have purchased an alert system for my phone. If anything was to happen, it would record all sound and immediately alert the police. But since I am in the police department, I don't anticipate any problems."

"We can't find who threated you, Maura. They could have done something while you were driving."

"They didn't, Jane."

"But they could."

"I'm fine."

"This time. What about next time?"

"If it would make you feel more comfortable, you can escort me to the court house personally."

"It would," she said. "What time do we need to leave?"

"I need to be there for two." Maura walked back to the door. "I need to complete this autopsy. Please don't interrupt me again, unless it's urgent."

x

A small crowd of reporters gathered outside the courthouse. Maura stepped out of the car. She ran her hands down her dress and straightened out her jacket. She still felt an element of nerves when attending court. She'd done it many times over the course of her career, yet a harsh attorney was still her biggest fear.

"You ready?" Jane asked, placing a hand on the small of her back. She nodded. They set off towards the entrance.

"I should be fine from here," Maura said.

The reporters buzzed around, a woman thrust a microphone in front of her face. Maura answered her question with a 'no comment' and attempted to move toward the building. A man blocked her way. She glanced up into his dark brown eyes, his sandy coloured hair hung loose around her cheeks. He didn't look much like a reporter. She turned back to Jane. Her hand, which had been wrapped around Maura's arm, slipped away. A couple of people pushed against her. The crowd became bigger. Maura felt adrenaline build up, her heart raced. Something wasn't right.

"Maura!" Jane shouted, but she wasn't close enough.

The group moved again, people pushed in all different directions. She wasn't sure who was a reporter and who wasn't. Maura twisted around, searching for Jane as her shouts grew quieter. When someone's hand came down on her shoulders, Maura knew something wasn't right. She fought against it. They held her steady.

"This is for Will," someone shouted.

Maura froze. Something collided with her face. A pungent smell filled the air. She closed her eyes and breathed in quickly, but her face stung and her eyes felt like they were burning. Her knees gave way. Maura dropped to the floor. She opened her eyes but it hurt too much. People trampled around her, someone's shoe smashed down on her hand. She screamed.

"Maura?"

"Jane," she shouted, curling up into a ball, tucking her throbbing fingers up close around her. "Jane."

"Everybody, back up," Jane shouted.

Her voice filled the space around Maura. The crowd of people lessened. Maura couldn't see them, but she felt the air become less suffocating. She didn't move. She didn't dare open her eyes.

"I said back up," Jane shouted. "I'm a detective. I'm not afraid to shoot anyone that doesn't get back."

A pair of hands reached around her shoulders and Maura allowed them to guide her to a seated position on the floor. She blinked a couple of times.

"Ammonia," she said, blinking again. The words caught in her throat. In front of her, the world was a blur. She could see shapes but she couldn't tell whether it was Jane, or a stationary object. She reached out in front of her and tried to speak again. She couldn't move her mouth without a searing pain running through her skin.

"Oh God, Maur," Jane said, squeezing her shoulders. Her hand collided with Jane's face.

The physical contact made it that little bit easier. There was too much noise, too much uncertainty surrounding her. Maura tried to focus on Jane, but with impaired vision, and what she expected were burns to her face, she couldn't breathe deeply enough. Then Jane pulled away and she felt alone.

"This is Detective Jane Rizzoli, I need an ambulance. We're on the front steps of Boston court house. I also need back up. There's been an incident. Where are you going? You saw this happen, you're not going anywhere. Sorry."

Maura cupped her hands in her lap. She suspected a couple of broken fingers, and a potential fracture to a bone in the back of her hand. She could feel the burns on her face. She could hear Jane's voice but she didn't know where she was, or who she was speaking to. A man nearby talked loudly to himself. She suspected he was probably on the phone.

"Water."

"I'll get you some water later, Maura," Jane said, her voice grew louder.

"No, for my face."

"Okay." She drifted away. "I need your water."

"Excuse me?" someone said.

"I'm a detective, this lady is injured. Give me your bottle of water."

"Alright, alright. Here."

"Thanks."

"Jane," Maura whispered, then coughed. She tried to breathe in slowly but between breathing in what she suspected was Ammonia, and the panic over her sudden loss of sight, Maura couldn't quite find enough air. She coughed again.

"I'm here," Jane said. Her fingers wrapped around Maura's arms.

Tears strolled down Maura's cheeks. Too late to fight back. They rolled into the burns. Maura closed her eyes and leaned her head back. The water streamed down her face, hitting her burns as it spilled over the sides of her cheeks and mixed with her tears. "It hurts."

"I know." Jane squeezed the fingers on her uninjured hand. "The ambulance is on its way."


	2. Chapter 2

**Author Notes** **: Thank you to everyone who commented/faved/followed the first chapter of this story and I'm sorry it's taken a while to get back to it. Some stories inspire and motivate me all the way through, and others become more problematic. It took a while to get over a block I was having, but I'm finally here and ready to keep at it.**

 **I will, of course, be carrying on writing Lullaby and Rookie, as well as planning some other stories I am so keen to write. Apparently I want to write all of the fics, but alas, I have two more weeks of full time work to contend with.**

* * *

A man's face imprinted itself on the backs of her eyes. Maura lay down, her eyes closed, covered. She'd been sat in the hospital for a couple of hours. Her eyes had been cleaned out, as much as feasibly possible, and she had been instructed to rest. She couldn't. Behind the bandages, she could see his face. The man who blocked her way, the man who contributed to the crime that followed. The fingers wrapped around her hand slipped away, a chair scraped across the floor.

"Jane?" Maura could hear the quiver of her voice. She coughed a couple of times, her chest ached. The sounds were outside of herself. She reached out, her fingers collided with the plastic edging of the bed. Panic filled her. She sat upright, her voice cracked under the pressure. "Jane?"

"I'm here, I'm here," she whispered, wrapping her hands back around Maura's. She clutched her arm, desperate for the physical contact.

Tears left her eyes, quickly soaked up by the bandages covering them. A finger trailed across her palm, dancing across her shaking skin.

"Shh," Jane said. Maura could feel the weight of her sitting on the edge of the bed, the shift of her body weight as she pushed her to one side. Her arms wrapped around Maura's shoulders. She sunk against her embrace, comforted by the pressure of her fingers tucked around her skin. "I'm not going anywhere."

"I'm scared," Maura said, barely audible against Jane's clothes. She breathed in the sweet scent of Jane's body, so familiar, and instantly calming.

"I know," Jane kissed her lightly on the forehead and held her tighter. "You're not alone. You'll never be alone."

x

Maura woke. She didn't know what day it was, what time it was, all she could see was the darkness on the backs of the bandages covering her eyes. She could hear movement outside the room, a trolley or gurney being transported across the corridor. She could hear people talking. Closer, she couldn't hear anything.

"Jane?"

"I'm here," she replied, her hand instantly wrapping around Maura's wrist. She clung to her again, desperate to feel safe. "Korsak's here, too."

"Hello, Vince."

"I'm sorry we didn't stop this, Maura."

"It's not your fault. I shouldn't have brushed it off as less significant." She leaned back against the bed. "I was thinking about the reporters. The case was minor, there shouldn't have been reporters. When the woman asked me a question I thought nothing of it, the amount of times I've dealt with them on the courthouse steps. I should have realised."

"It's not your fault," Jane said, squeezing her hand. She lowered her voice.

Maura squeezed back. "Do you have any leads?"

"I spoke to the local media outlets and not one of them was at the courthouse," Korsak said.

"So they were fake?"

"Nina's been looking through CCTV footage earlier in the day. The crowd of people outside the courthouse were gathered round long before you arrived. We suspect they were working together."

"I should have taken you in another way."

"It's not your fault, Jane. There should never have been such a crowd, there shouldn't have been that level of danger."

"But there was. You'd been threatened and we didn't take it seriously enough. At the very least, I should have had hold of your arm. We shouldn't have been separated."

"The crowd pushed you out of the way, you couldn't do anything about that." Maura sighed. "If not then, somewhere else. If they were serious enough about stopping me from getting into that court room, they could have done it a thousand different ways. No amount of protection would have stopped them."

"We could have done more."

" _No_."

" _Yes_."

"Regardless," Korsak said. "We believe it was staged. Nina's working on ID-ing the reporters. So far we have one person, he's a trained actor. Nina spoke to his agent an hour ago and we're working the angle that maybe some of the people were hired to be there."

x

"Long-term medical consequences of incest, rape and molestation," Jane paused. "Why am I reading this?"

"Because you want to help me," Maura said.

"But this?"

Maura smiled, she rested her hand on Jane's wrist. "I like to read everything that's available in the journal. You don't have to read it if you don't want to. I can ask the Pastor who comes round on a Friday to do it instead."

"I'm not letting a man of God read this to you," Jane said. "I'll read it, but you read some depressing shit."

"There are many things that modern medicine is still lacking in knowledge about," Maura said. "It's not like we have a great number of incestuous couples banging down the door of medical science asking to be studied."

"Can we re-read the one about the puppies?"

"That study has been repeated several times," Maura said. "I have no interest in re-reading a slightly varied version when it's practically identical to studies I've read from Denmark, Sweden, Australia and Hong Kong."

"Spoil sport."

Maura leaned back against the bed. "When I get out of hospital it might be worth looking into getting a service dog."

"You don't need a service dog," Jane said. "You've got me."

"You can't be with me twenty-four seven."

"I can try."

"You have work." Maura reached for the medical journal and closed it, resting it on her lap. "I mean it, Jane. You've taken enough time off to come and see me."

"Okay."

The silence that followed continued until Maura sighed. "Why did you accept that so quickly?"

"I've already moved into your house."

"Why?"

"What do you mean why?" She took the medical journal off her lap. "Someone needs to be there in case you need help."

"I can employ someone."

"A stranger?" Jane scoffed. "They don't know you. It'll take too long to teach them everything they need to know. Between me and Ma, we can make sure you're okay. We're already removing as many hazards as possible."

"Okay." Maura grasped her hand, smiling. "Thank you, Jane. I appreciate everything you're doing."

x

"Get your clothes on," Jane said.

Maura sat up, confused. She followed the sound of Jane's shoes as she moved across the room. "What's going on?"

She placed some clothes on the bed, Maura reached for them, frowning. "I'm taking you out."

"Doctor Pip said I shouldn't leave until the bandages come off." Maura unbuttoned her pyjama shirt. "He said it'll be two days. I can wait two days."

Jane grasped the edges of her shirt and helped her pull it away from her arms. "We're not going far, but you said yourself, you've been cooped up in this bed for days."

Following her orders, she fumbled with fabric, fighting to remove it from her body. She felt like she had arrived home after a late night at the office, and had opted to get dressed in the dark. She knew her way around her body, but buttons didn't quite meet holes, and she was conscious of Jane standing so close.

"Do you mind?" she asked.

Jane sighed, her shoes tapped across the floor. "I helped you to change last week."

"That's beside the point."

"I don't see how. I've seen your tits, you didn't care."

"Are we going far?"

"We're going for a walk to the garden," Jane said. "It's not far but it's all I could persuade the nurses to accept. They said the honeysuckle is flowering."

"I love honeysuckle," Maura said. "It smells amazing at this time of year."

x

Doctor Pip slowly removed the bandages. Maura's heart raced in her chest, fighting her body for freedom. She clutched Jane's hand, thankful for the comfort of her fingers wrapped around her skin. She swallowed the lump in her throat.

"Okay, Maura," Doctor Pip said. "In a moment I'm going to ask you to open your eyes. Take it slow, they've not been exposed to light for a while. Just take your time. Pretend you're waking up after a long sleep. I know we've talked about it, but remember to be prepared. We don't know what level of vision you'll have."

She tightened her grip around Jane's hand as she slowly opened her eyes. She could see light. Her heart thrummed against her rib cage. She knew it was premature to hope she'd be able to see again, the chance was slim. But the amount of light in front of her filled her with possibility.

"Can you see me?" Jane asked.

Maura turned to where her voice came from. Her heart sunk. The dark splodge in front of her brought tears to her eyes. "Not really."

"Oh."

"What can you see, Maura?" Doctor Pip asked.

"I can see light," Maura said. "Blurry shapes. Nothing's in focus."

"I see." He rested a hand across her forehead. "Look straight ahead for me, please."

The dull colour changed to a bright white. "Is that light?"

"It is, can you follow it?"

The light moved, Maura searched the blur in front of her until she found the light again.

"I think we're going to need to do some more tests." Doctor Pip said.

"I'm not going to get my sight back, am I?" she asked, her hands shaking. Jane's fingers wrapped tighter around her hand.

"She will, won't she, Doc?"

"It's too early to give you a categorical answer," he said. "But at the moment it looks like the damage could be irreparable."

x

"How bad is it?" Maura asked, running her fingers across the damaged skin on her face. She could feel the bumps, the ridges where before there was smooth skin. It had healed enough to touch it without flinching.

Jane reached for her hands, perched in front of her on the edge of the bed. She held them between them, squeezing her fingers as, Maura could only assume, she analysed the damage. Being unable to see more than a few blurry spots in front of her, she'd come to rely on Jane to be her eyes.

"It's not so bad."

She could hear the break in her voice, the sadness that seeped into her every word. Maura lowered her head, her hair slipped across her skin. Jane cleared her throat and cupped her chin, lifting it back up. She leaned in so close that Maura could feel her breath on her cheek.

"You are still the most beautiful person I know. No amount of scars will change that."

Tears flowed down her face, pooling on the edges of the scars, caught by the small dips in her skin. She hunched forward, her shoulders shook. Jane wrapped herself around her. She could smell her, she could feel her warmth. She closed her eyes and pushed her face against Jane's neck. All she could do was cry.

"At least we've caught the guy who did this," Jane whispered.

Jane stroked her back, circled her hand across the nightgown. She cherished the comfort, but deep down rage burned in the pit of her stomach. She lifted her hands to Jane's shoulders and pushed her away.

"I want to go home."

"The doctors want you to stay for one more day."

" _No_."

Maura reached out for the plastic edging of the bed. She slid her legs across to the side and slipped off it with ease. Then she froze. She reached a hand out but there was nothing in front of her. She opened her eyes but it was a haze of pale colours, and she couldn't make out what was what.

"Maura," Jane said, her voice cracked again.

Maura hated to listen to the sympathetic sounds of her voice. "I'm not an invalid, don't talk to me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like you pity me."

Jane sighed, her footsteps tapped across the floor until they came close by. Maura let her pull her into her arms. She sunk against her body again, clutching the fabric of her jacket.

"You are the bravest person I know, Maura," Jane said. "You are beautiful, and you are brave, and this doesn't change that."

"But I have changed," she said, wiping at the tears on her cheek. She pulled her hand away, hating the feel of her own skin. "I'm not me anymore."

"Yes, you are."

"I don't feel like me."

Hands wrapped around her cheeks. Maura's eyes welled up, fresh tears skirted down her cheeks, disappearing. She lifted her hands and covered Jane's, feeling her wet, salty tears on her fingers.

"I'm sorry," she said.

Jane leaned her forehead against Maura's. "You have nothing to be sorry about."


	3. Chapter 3

**Author Note** **: Thank you to everyone for the amazing response to the last chapter, sorry again it took so long, and as you can see I'm a lot quicker with this one. I'm trying to take it slow, but also skip time, so it's an interesting combination. I also have lots of research to do so that I keep it accurate to the experience of visually impaired people. I may be a little slower with future chapters, but they should be coming.**

 **For some reason it's not showing I updated my story Rookie (even though I left 24 hours between updates) but there was definitely an update yesterday.**

* * *

The scent of the honeysuckle hit her before she reached the front door, her lips curved at the edges. She gripped tighter to Jane's arm and listened to everything around her. Next door someone was using pruning shears, she'd seen them out on several occasions recently, could recognise the sound of them slicing through bark. A car travelled past. She stepped forward, cautious, unsure of every step despite the familiar ground.

"Nearly there," Jane said, her fingers rested lightly around the base of Maura's spine.

"Where did the honeysuckle come from?"

"Ma and I planted it yesterday."

She swallowed, her eyes stung, teardrops strolled down her face. "Thank you."

"We wanted to make this as easy as possible for you."

She reached out her hand, seeing the blur of the approaching front door. When her hand collided with wood, she felt a surge of excitement, like she'd won a game. She trailed her fingers down.

"To the left," Jane said.

"I can do it," Maura said. She found the door handle and pushed down, but it wouldn't open. "The key."

"I can," Jane began, but Maura cut her off.

"I need to do this."

She handed her the key. Maura held it out, her other hand searching for the hole, where she carefully pushed the key inside and turned it in the lock. When it click, she grinned across to Jane.

"You look happy."

"I don't want to rely on anyone," Maura said, lowering her head. "It's going to be difficult not to, but I want to learn how to do things on my own. I hope you understand that."

"'Course." Jane rested her hand back down against her back and she stepped inside the house.

The floor changed, the feel of the concrete shifted. Her prior knowledge made it easier to understand the difference was the wooden flooring in her hallway. She clung to Jane's arm and pushed off her shoes until her bare feet touched the cool, wooden floor.

x

The first night in her own bed, Maura wrapped the bed sheets around her body, and got lost in the familiarity of her own sheets. She closed her eyes and listened to the sounds of the house, breathed in the scent of her bedroom. She gripped the soft covers. After a while, the distant sound of the television shut off, and she heard the spare bedroom door close. Silence followed. Her heart raced. She opened her eyes but the darkness didn't change, the shapes were barely visible with the lack of light. She let out a loud gasping as tears travelled down her face. The suffocating night gripped her windpipe, forcing the air out of her body. She moved her arm to one side, accidentally hitting something with her hand. The loud smash made her jump. The bedroom door opened, Jane's footsteps moved across the floor.

"Maura?"

She reached her arms out again, not caring what she hit, or what damage she could do. When her fingers touched Jane's skin, she grasped at her body, pulling her forward by fabric. She didn't know what she was touching, all that mattered was that Jane enveloped her.

"Don't leave me," she said, pushing her face against the side of her neck, losing herself in the comfort of her skin.

"I'm here," Jane said, lying her back down, her body inches from Maura's. She shifted herself a little closer and clung to her. It didn't take long for her heart rate to slow, and her whole body to relax. "Everything's gonna be fine."

She reached out and found Jane's shoulders, edging her fingers up across her chin, along her jawline and up to her cheeks. She leaned down and replaced her fingers with her lips. "Thank you for making it easier."

Jane moved closer, her breath warm against Maura's ear. She spoke softly, barely audible. "I'll always be here."

x

"I don't know if I can do this."

Maura sat up in bed, listening to the melodic sound of recorded piano music, when Jane's voice travelled up the stairs. She felt for the remote beside her, and found the button to turn it off.

"What other option is there?" Angela replied. "She needs us."

"It's too hard."

She listened harder, wondered if the conversation had continued and she just couldn't hear it. When Jane's voice grew louder again, her shoulders dropped.

"I can't watch her like this. She's helpless, Ma. She can't do anything on her own."

"She'll learn."

"But until then I have to watch her struggle with every single thing, and it breaks my heart."

"I know. It breaks mine too."

Maura brushed tears from her cheeks. It broke her own heart just as much. The last week had been the most challenging she'd ever faced. The majority of her life she'd been independent, reliant only on herself. To need somebody as much as she needed Jane, in that moment, was frightening.

"You don't understand," Jane said, her voice cracked.

She rested a hand across her heart and felt the thumping. She closed her eyes and slouched down against the bed, listening.

"Of course I do, we both care about her."

"I know." Silence. Maura wondered if the conversation was over, but then Jane spoke again. "This is different."

"I don't see how. We're all doing the best we can," Angela said.

"I don't know how to be there for her, knowing that it's my fault she's in this position."

"She doesn't blame you."

"She doesn't need to."

Rubbing her face, Maura wished she could rush down the stairs and pull her into her arms. She wanted nothing more than to remind Jane that she was not to blame for what happened, that she didn't hate her for it.

"I sit and watch her and she just stares, like she doesn't know what to do with herself. I don't remember the last time I looked her in the eye. I know she can't see me, not the way I can see her."

"Jane."

"I'm fine." The terseness of her voice hit Maura hard.

"You're not," Angela said. "It's okay to cry, it's about time you did."

"I can't fall apart, she needs me."

"She's not made of fine china, Jane, she's not going to break if you're honest with her."

"I'm not going to tell her. She's all that matters."

"You matter too."

"Not as much as she does."

Silence followed. The sound of running water, the fridge opened. She could hear footsteps on the staircase. Maura reached for the remote and turned the music back on.

x

"Get up!"

Maura rubbed her eyes and sat up, she opened her eyes but all she could see was darkness. She reached out, Jane's voice wasn't that far away. She searched the darkness until her fingers collided with Jane's skin, slightly softer skin.

"Was that your breast?" she asked, pulling her hand away.

Jane stayed silent for a moment. She took Maura's hands and moved them aside. "Yes."

"I'm sorry."

"It's fine." Jane clutched her hands. "We're going out."

"What time is it?"

"Midnight."

"Are you ill?" Maura could feel her eyebrows pull together, and wondered what it looked like with the injuries to her face.

Jane laughed, and Maura felt it in her heart. After the conversation she'd overheard, she didn't quite know how to talk to her, how to brace the subject. Hearing her happiness made her feel a little more relaxed.

"You've been inside for too long."

"Can't we wait for daylight?"

"Why?" Jane squeezed her hands. "It doesn't make a difference to you, besides, it's quieter at this time of night."

x

The sound of water reached her ears long before Jane even opened the car door. The gentle breeze of the night tickled her face. She climbed out of the car without assistance, and stood staring out across the darkness. The light above the car made it a little easier to see where they'd parked. She turned in a circle until she was sure she was facing the right way.

"Not quite," Jane said, resting her hands on her shoulder and spinning her around. She interlinked her fingers with Maura's. "Come on."

She followed her lead, guided by the movement of Jane's hand. They walked across concrete, then down some steps, until her shoes sunk against something malleable.

"I want to walk in the ocean," she said.

Jane ran her fingers across her shoulder. "We can do that."

She crouched down and attempted to unfasten the laces of her shoes, regretting putting them on the second they wouldn't loosen. Jane's hands covered her own and she helped her pull at a different piece and her shoes came off with ease. She tugged at her socks until she dipped her toes into the sand beneath her feet.

"Do you know how amazing this feels?" Maura asked.

"Wet?"

"It's cold," she said, digging her toes deeper until they hit wet sand. "Are you shoes off?

"No."

"Please take them off."

Jane muttered something under her breath, but she could hear the sound of the zips on her boots. She crouched down again and crawled across the sand until her fingers collided with Jane's ankles.

"Yes, those are my feet."

"Sand is amazing," she said, standing back up and stepping forward. "Is it safe to go this way?"

"Keep going," Jane said.

Maura closed her eyes, as though it made a difference, and held her arms out at her sides. She slowly walked, like a ballerina beginning a routine, her toes outstretched as they dipped into the slightly gritty feeling sand.

"Wait," Jane shouted. The sand shifted, speckles flew against her legs and she could sense Jane beside her. She rested her hands against Maura's shoulders and guided her forward.

"The ocean," Maura said, realising how much louder it had become. She listened to the waves break against the beach, the sand grew softer, wetter, and she moved from foot to foot to stop from sinking. "Where are you?"

"I'm here," Jane said, linking her arm. "I'll never be far away."

"I know."

They walked together, arm in arm, towards the edge of the water. A freezing cold wave broke and moved up the beach, touching the tips of Maura's toes. She edged forward, pulling Jane along beside her. She didn't care how cold it was, for the first time since losing her sight, she felt the life flow through her veins. Another wave broke and splashed across her legs, right on up to her thighs. She squealed and jumped backward. Losing her footing, she tumbled onto her backside, Jane's arm still hooked around hers. She felt her beside her, could hear her groan as the water gathered around them. Jane let go of her arm.

Maura's diaphragm contracted and her throat ached, laughter joined the sound of the waves, so much louder than she'd heard it for a long while. Her own voice, her own joy, so evident. She felt tears sting her eyes, a fresh pool of water moved around her.

"Where did you go?"

"I'm soaked," Jane said, sighing.

"So?"

"We'll get cold."

"Then we'll go home and get warm," Maura said, not moving from her spot on the ground. "Come and join me."

"I hate the beach."

"Just this once."

Her hands covered Maura's fingers, she turned them over and wrapped them around, holding onto them tightly. She felt her mouth curl up, creasing the corner of her eyes.

"It's been too long since I've seen you look so happy," Jane whispered.

Maura felt her way along her arm and on up to her shoulders, she skirted her fingers across Jane's chin. "I wish I could see it."

"It's beautiful," Jane said. "You're beautiful."

She lowered her head. "You keep saying that, but it's difficult to believe."

Jane cupped her cheek. She ran her fingers across her face. "It doesn't matter how many marks are on your face, or how much sight you lose, you'll never not be beautiful to me."

Something caught in the back of Maura's throat. She leaned forward. Her heart thumped loudly in her ears. She moved her fingertips across Jane's cheeks, along the edge of her nose and down to her lips. Ignoring the water still pooling around them, she leaning forward and brushed her lips against Jane's.

"Err, Maur," Jane said, pulling back, her fingers dropped to her sides. "That was my lips."

"I know."

She placed her hands on the floor and pushed herself up to her feet. She could feel Jane stand beside her. Her chest heaved with every breath, exhausted by the late night dip. She moved to walk away, no idea if she was headed for the ocean or the dry sand. Jane stopped her, her fingers around her face, before her lips smashed down against Maura's.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author Note** **: Thank you to everyone who has commented, etc. on the last chapter. It's lovely to see so many enjoying this one, which is a little more challenging, because of the storyline. I would have posted this update sooner but I forgot to send it to my email address so couldn't upload while I was out.**

 **I've got a busy evening/Saturday coming up so I may not have another chapter of any of my stories for a couple of days. Though I did spoil you a bit this week, so I think I deserve a night off!**

* * *

Waking up was the hardest part of Maura's day. Opening her eyes to the darkness, the lack of focus, sent her mind into a spin and her heart fluttering. Then she remembered. She listened, trying to piece together the sounds of the morning. Silence was a myth. Behind the otherwise silent house, Maura could hear sound after delicate sound; the faucet in the bathroom dripping, the coffee machine getting going, Jane's soft breath, rising and falling with the movement of her fingertips lightly holding her arm. She could smell the salty mix of ocean water, tinged with body odour, lingering on Jane's skin. She turned to face her, to face the shape that looked as much like Jane as she was going to get. Jane moved, her breathing changed.

"I heard you yesterday," Maura said, moving toward her warmth. Her mind felt cloudier, heavier. "I heard what you said."

"Dunno what you mean," Jane said, her hand fell between them, her fingertips teased Maura's hand.

She retrieved her fingers and rolled fully onto her side, to the sound of Jane's voice. "You don't have to pretend with me."

"I don't know what to say." Her voice croaked with the lack of use. "I'm sorry I didn't see this coming. I should've protected you."

"You did everything you could, Jane." She sighed, reaching across the space and gripping her fingers. "I thought you understood that I don't blame you. This isn't your fault."

"Still feels like it is."

"No." She heard the clicking of Jane's tongue against the roof of her mouth. "Stop that."

"Stop what?"

"I can't see anything," she said. "But it's like somebody turned the volume up, I can hear things clearer."

"That's true?"

"What is?"

"That your hearing gets better."

"It's not that it's better, more that I'm relying on it more to understand what's going on."

"Still sounds pretty cool."

Maura pursed her lips and tried to steady her already shaken breathing. "Nothing about this situation is cool."

"No."

"I don't blame you." Maura squeezed her fingers. "I don't want you to blame yourself. It's been weeks and we haven't talked about it, you haven't talked to me. I don't want you to pull away."

"I talk to you every day."

"Not about the things that matter," Maura said, she let go of her fingers. "About last night..."

"It's fine," Jane said. "It was just a kiss. It doesn't have to mean anything."

"I," she trailed off, unable to put into words what she wanted to say. "Can you change my sheets? All I can smell is the ocean."

"I thought you liked the ocean."

"I do." Maura breathed in slowly, capturing the rest of the scent. "It's like the ocean mixed with seaweed, mixed with something else that after a night sleeping with it smells revolting."

Jane went silent, her own nostrils made the sound that Maura recognised as breathing in, then out. "I think it's you."

"And you." Maura pushed the bedsheets away and slid over the edge of the bed. "I need to shower, will you please take me?"

"Sure."

"You can help me in, I'll manage with the rest."

"You sure you don't want more help?"

Maura nodded, tucking her hands around Jane's arm. She clutched her hand and walked slowly across the carpet. The mood had shifted. Jane helped her into the shower, she lifted her hands to the edge of Maura's pyjama shirt.

"No," Maura said. "I want to do the rest myself."

"I don't wanna just leave you."

"I'm perfectly capable of taking off my clothes, the rest I have to learn eventually."

She heard the door close, and the bedroom closet door open and shut again. She pulled her shirt over her head and slipped off her shorts. She rested her hands against the glass door and found the handle, opening it, dropping her clothes onto the floor before pulling it closed again. She moved her fingers across the side of the cubicle and over the tiles, feeling her way along the wall. Her wrist hit a faucet. She twisted it but nothing happened, so she turned it back around. Shaking her head, she moved her hand, trying to remember the exact location of the two controls. Temperature at the bottom, on/off at the top. She moved her hand upward and fiddled with the other control. The water streamed down, hitting her shoulders in a cool spray. It heated up, growing warmer until she jumped backward, shocked by the heat of the water scolding her skin. She reached back down but her hand hit the wall, she squinted, hoping to get some semblance of idea of the location of the dial.

"Jane," she said, her voice smaller than she intended. She tried again, her hand hit the controls and she turned them until the water cooled and eventually the stream disappeared. She rested a hand across her chest, the beat hit her hand over and over again. She leaned back against the tiles and slid to the basin of the shower cubicle. Tears gathered on the edge of her eyelids, overflowing down her cheeks. Her skin burned with the heat of the shower, she felt colder the longer she sat there.

After what seemed like hours, there was a knock at the door.

"You okay?" Jane knocked again. "Do you need help getting dressed?"

"Jane," Maura said, hearing the crack in her own voice.

"Maura?"

The door hinge squeaked as it opened, Jane's toes tapped across the tiled floor. She didn't speak as the seal on the shower door rubbed against the frame and popped as it opened.

"What happened?" Jane's hands reached her shoulders, colliding against sensitive skin. She winced, the tears increased. "Are you hurt?"

"It was too hot," she said, rubbing at her eyes. "I couldn't turn it down. I'm so useless, I can't do anything. I've used this shower a hundred times, I should be able to remember how to control the temperature. I hate this, I can't do this for the rest of my life."

Jane sighed. Tears welled up in her eyes. The silence didn't help. Maura dug her fingers into Jane's arms, desperate to feel her closer.

"You can," Jane said. "It's gonna take time."

"I can't even take a shower on my own." She leaned forward. Jane's arms slipped around her bare back. She pushed her face against the fabric of Jane's shirt. "I can't do anything on my own, I've got scars all over my face, I'm an ugly mess."

"No."

"Yes."

"No." Jane cupped her cheeks, brushing the tears from her scarred face.

"Yes," Maura said, smacking her hands away. She retreated back against the tiles, tossing her hands out to push Jane away. She moved toward her again, her fingers graced her skin. Maura pushed her off. "Stop. Leave me alone. I don't need your help. I don't want your help. Just leave me."

"You're hurt," Jane said, tears coating her words. "Let me get you to your room."

"I'm sick of my room, I'm sick of you always being here all the time, just leave me alone," she screamed, pushing harder. Jane's body moved away, the warmth, the comfort, the familiar scent. She listened to the silence, to the bedroom door slam shut in the distance, and her heart shattered.

x

She sat back down on her bed, her robe wrapped around her. Angela pulled the clean bedsheets up around her middle and gave her shoulder a squeeze. Maura leaned back and closed her eyes, desperate to feel some semblance of calm in an otherwise fractured world.

"Thank you," she said.

The bed moved under the weight of Angela sitting down beside her. Maura sighed. Whilst she appreciated her help in getting back to somewhere less humiliating than the basin of the shower, she still wasn't in the mood for company.

"She's doing the best she can."

Maura didn't speak. She had nothing to say, and knew that if she opened her mouth, she risked saying something she didn't mean.

"I know it's difficult for you, you're hurting and your whole world has changed. But she's trying to help you."

"I know," Maura whispered.

"Try not to push her away."

"You don't understand," Maura said, lowering her head. She opened her eyes and stared at the pale blur of her clean bedsheets. She could still smell the subtle scent of the ocean, and the beach. It brought her back to the night before, to the water pooling around her. To the laughter that felt so easy in that moment. How quickly she had dropped. "Nobody understands."

"No." Angela stroked her arm. "We don't."

"Thank you for helping me," she said. "I need to be alone now."

x

After the fifth day, her bedsheets began to smell again. Maura curled up, her arms wrapped around her spare pillow, listening to the sounds of the day. She turned on her classical music album, but she'd heard each song dozens of time. She tried to find the radio but couldn't. She tried to go back to the music, but she didn't know which button changed it back to the CD player. A fit of rage sent the remote control across the room, smashing into something. She listened to the clatter, to the break, to the destruction. Yet she couldn't see it. It was there, and yet it wasn't.

She ate the food brought to her on a tray. She half-heartedly thanked Jane for her efforts and listened to her walk away. She didn't say anything when she could feel her still there, standing in the doorway, watching her eating. She just listened, and ate, hoping that eventually something would change.

She slept. She lay in silence and wondered what she'd be doing if she was not visually impaired. She thought about the friends who hadn't been to visit her, the work colleagues who had sent a card she couldn't read. She pondered the world, the scientific marvels that had given people back their sight.

She stared up at the ceiling, at the blank, blurry space above her in the hope that maybe, just maybe, it was all a dream and her vision would eventually clear.

"Six days," Jane said. She placed the tray on the bed and helped Maura find the plate. She cleaned up the mess she'd made, then sat at the foot of the bed and watched her eating. The closest she'd been in days. "How long are you gonna do this for?"

She didn't reply.

By day eight, Maura had taken to just lying there, staring at the blurry ceiling, counting down the seconds, minutes, hours.

"Get up," Jane said, pulling the bedsheets away. Maura sat up and reached out for them, pulling at the corner as Jane pulled in the opposite direction. She kneeled up and tugged harder, until she fell forward, defeated by Jane's strength. She lay face down on the mattress. "No. You're not doing this. You've done enough of it. I won't let you waste your life."

"What life?" Maura asked, folding her arms in front of her and burrowing her face against the mattress.

She felt a hand wrap around her upper arm and pull her, Maura used her other hand to push away but Jane's grip didn't loosen. She fell onto her back, Jane pulled the sheet from under her, disrupting her position.

"You smell. Your bed smells. Your whole room smells."

Maura sighed. Jane wrapped her arms around Maura's shoulders and pulled her off the bed, lifting her to her feet. She stood, frozen to the spot, the thought of moving made her heart race. She listened to Jane move about the room, the shower turned on. Then Jane grabbed her upper arms and pushed her toward the water. She tried to resist.

"No more, Maura."

She sighed and allowed her to push her through to the bathroom. She stood still, her feet flat against the tiled floor. Silence. Jane clicked her tongue. Eventually Jane tugged at her pyjamas, forcing them from her body. She stood still, waiting for Jane to push her into the shower.

Under the stream of water, the layer of grime that coated her skin washed away. She closed her eyes and tilted her head, enjoying the ritual of cleanliness. The fog lifted slightly, pulling her back into her every day routine. She'd forgotten momentarily what it was like to enjoy a shower.

"I'm gonna shampoo your hair now," Jane said, her voice making her jump. Maura turned to the sound of her voice. "Unless you'd rather do it yourself."

"It's fine," Maura said. She stood still, allowing Jane to build up the soap suds that stung her eyes. She rinsed, then conditioned it. Maura rested her hands against the tiles. Jane combed through her matted locks and Maura felt as close to being pampered as she could without sitting in a salon or spa. When the water shut off, Maura felt disappointed.

"Let's go," Jane said, wrapping her up in a towel and pushing her back out into the bedroom. Silence again. Maura didn't move. Jane handed her a pair of panties but she just held them in her hands. "If you're not gonna do it yourself, I'll just do it for you."

She sighed and slipped on her underwear. Jane helped her into her clothes. Maura narrowed her eyes. "Why am I wearing a dress?"

"Because you're not a pyjamas and sweat pants kind of woman," Jane said. "You're a classy lady and it's time you started acting like that again."

"Which dress?"

"What?"

"Which dress am I wearing?" She ran her hands down the front of her dress and on across the skirt. "It's not my turquoise Chanel. That has a built in belt."

"I dunno," Jane said. "It's grey, and black. There's like black trims, or whatever you call them."

Maura's lips curved at the edges. She still felt sad, and lost, but for the briefest moment, she could picture herself in the mirror.

"Louis Vuitton." Maura sighed. "I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed wearing dresses."

"You forgot?" Jane scoffed. "A lady never forgets.

"Thank you," she said, grasping at her hand. She squeezed her fingers tightly. "Thank you for reminding me."

"Are you ready?" Jane asked, she let go of Maura's hand. "You need shoes."

"The red ones with straps," Maura said, recalling the exact pair. "They're in the Chanel box right at the bottom on the left hand side. They're actually Calvin Kleins, but when Angela reorganised my house, she threw out the box."

"Gotcha, red straps," Jane said, her voice faded as she disappeared into the closet. A moment later, she slipped the shoes onto Maura's feet. "How does that feel?"

She stepped forward, feeling taller, more elegant than she'd felt in weeks. She held out her arm and waited for Jane to hook her own around it. "Where are we going?"

"I have a whole day planned."


	5. Chapter 5

**Author Note : Thank you for reading, etc. the last chapter. I keep hitting stumbling blocks with my fics. I finish one of my jobs on Friday and though it means I'll be lazier (watching more TV) it also means I may find more time to write. I'm going to try and work on the next chapter of Lullaby, though Rookie might end up next as chapters are shorter. I've also been working on a new story, but I'm not sure about posting it yet.**

* * *

She felt different. The dress was as familiar as a glove on a winter day, but her heart had changed and she didn't recognise herself in it anymore. She'd barely dressed in weeks, not like she used to, not in clothes that were perfectly formed works of art. She kept running her hands down the skirt, feeling the fabric against her palms. She loved the dressed.

"Where are we going?" Maura asked, folding her hands together in her lap. She could hear traffic on either side of the car, the honking of a horn. The world rushed by and she had no idea what it looked like anymore. She tried to picture it in her mind but all she got was the blur in front of her eyes. She felt disoriented.

"You'll see," Jane said, reaching for her hand as the car rolled to a stop.

After a few moments, they moved again. "We've been driving for a while. It can't be anywhere close to home."

"Perhaps I'm driving around to confuse you," Jane said.

She sighed. She could have been tucked up under her bed sheets. "Are you?"

"No."

Another few minutes passed by. Maura tapped her fingers across her knees, regretting not asking Jane to help her shave her legs. She longed for a waxing, a massage, a pedicure, the full works. She missed feeling completely at ease with her hygiene and maintenance.

"Are we going to a baseball game?"

"No. You hate baseball."

She turned her head and stared at the post between the front window and the side window, at least she suspected that's what it was. All she could see was a dark blur between two mixed areas of shapes and colour.

"What's the weather like?" she asked, her eyebrows pulled together.

"What?"

"The weather," Maura said. "I can't see what the weather is like."

"It's sunny," Jane said. "Not like middle of summer sunny, there's a blue sky and a few clouds. It's not warm, but it's not cold."

"I could feel that."

"I forgot you didn't know what the weather was doing," Jane said, her voice smaller than before.

The car turned, pushing Maura toward the door. It slowed, the car moved back and forth a couple of times, before stopping. The sound of the engine disappeared. The click of a seatbelt. Maura stayed in her seat.

"Come on," Jane said.

Maura frowned. "We're here?"

"Yeah."

"Where's here?"

"It's a surprise," Jane said.

She reached to the seatbelt across her front, then ran her fingers down toward the clip. She helped it back up to its stationary position. Using her hands, she ran her fingers along the car door and pulled it open.

"Wait a second," Jane said, her voice grew louder. Her hand landed on Maura's arm.

"I can manage," she said, brushing her off. She placed one foot after the other out of the car, hitting the concrete. Then she used the door to help herself to stand up. She reached out but couldn't feel Jane anywhere. "Now I can't."

"Okay."

Jane's boots tapped across the ground, her hand wrapped back around Maura's arm, interlinking with her own. She clutched her hand against her forearm. Together, they walked across the parking lot. The whoosh of automatic doors in front of them. They carried on, Maura's heels clacked across the tiles, signalling their arriving inside a building.

"Where are we?" she asked again.

Letting go of her arm, Jane rested a hand on her shoulders. Maura could feel her body in front of her, could sense her inches away.

"We're at your favourite place in the whole of Boston."

Maura narrowed her eyes. She turned around, searching the blur for some sign that she wasn't where she thought she was. Someone else's shoes tapped across the floor. A group of people were nearby, she could hear the noise of their chatter.

"Jane." Maura let out a slow and methodical breath. She didn't know what to say. She couldn't even explain. When Jane swore, she laughed. Her chest rose and fall as the laughter tumbled out of her mouth.

"Shit, shit, shit," Jane said, her voice grew distant. "It's not like they've never heard it before."

"What was that?" Maura asked. She turned her head around, could feel the eyes staring at them.

"Someone didn't appreciate my colourful language." Her fingers touched Maura's elbow. "I'm sorry. I'm the worst person in the world."

"You're not." Maura lifted her hand to Jane's and gripped her fingers. "You're wonderful, you tried to bring me to the one place in the world I love."

"What sort of idiot brings a blind person to an art gallery?"

"One who loves her, and is trying to cheer her up." She trailed her fingers across her shoulders and up to her cheeks. Cupping her chin, Maura leaned forward, brushing her lips against Jane's.

Jane sighed, pulling back. "You did that thing again."

"I know," Maura whispered, stepped back. "What you did means a lot."

"Even if there's no point us being here?"

"Maybe not." Maura reached for Jane's hand, hitting her fingers as though she'd seen exactly where they were. "I've been here a thousand times, I could tell you what is in each painting."

"Really?" Jane paused. "Let's do it."

Hand in hand, they walked onward, across the tiled floor. She tried to picture to map of the art gallery in her mind, the sections of paintings, and the alcoves full of treasures. She didn't think Jane's swearing was the cause of people's stares, she could feel eyes on her, watching her. She pushed the thought aside and focused on the gallery.

"Impressionism," Maura said, as they came to a stop.

"Impressive," Jane said.

Maura squeezed her hand. "What's the title of the painting?"

"Two sisters on the terrace."

"There's two sisters," Maura said, recalling from memory the image she'd pondered over a handful of times in recent memory.

"Duh," Jane said. "That's not very impressive."

"One has a red hat, the other is wearing a hat of flowers. The smallest is in a sailor style dress, resting her hands on a basket. Behind them, amongst the trees, are boats travelling across the water."

Jane didn't speak. Maura waited for the silence to pass. She tried to recall if she had missed anything of significance. She opened her mouth to speak, stopped by Jane's mouth touching her own. Her hands rested against her arms. Maura responded, moving her lips across Jane's, until she stepped back, breathless.

"What was that?"

"I thought you wanted it," Jane said, her voice small and weak. "What you did, you amaze me every single day. You always have."

Maura hesitated. Her heart beat right up to her ears. She circled her fingers across Jane's arm, dancing down to her wrists. She tightened her grip once more. "I don't know how to do this."

"Wha'd'ya mean?"

She sighed, letting going of her wrists. "You do these things. You make me feel…and I don't know how to feel. I don't know how to be me, so how could I ever know how to be with you?"

"Maura." Jane's voice drifted away, lost in the silence. A couple of people stood nearby, talking loudly about a Degas, before going silently. Maura narrowed her eyes. "I don't expect anything."

She swallowed the lump that formed in the back of her throat. "But that kiss."

"You know you're important to me." Jane slid a strand of Maura's hair back over her ear, her fingers brushed against her cheek, against the scarred skin. "I want you to know you're important to me."

"The expectation." Maura stepped away, twisting round until Jane couldn't see her face. She lowered her head, allowing her hair to drop back across her face.

"Do I want to be with you?" Jane asked. "Yes. I do. Does it matter to me if you're not ready? No. It doesn't. So much happened, and I don't want to rush you. If you're not ready for it to be more, then I'm not gonna push it."

"I'm sorry," Maura said, her eyes fixed on the blurry floor.

"Don't be."

She breathed in slowly, listening to the sound, feeling the expansion of her chest. Then she did the same as she breathed out. It felt complicated, for the first time. She was still trying to get the hang of being unable to see properly. The first time she kissed Jane, she felt it from the top of her head to the tips of her toes, she felt expectation and hope. Then she showered on her own and it all crumbled, lost in the knowledge that she had become dependent on her. She wasn't the Maura she knew, deep down she'd become tarred, on the outside, her scars were visible signs of the damage that had been done.

"Next one," Jane said, tugging her hand. She stepped forward, cautious. She ignored the voice in her head telling her she belonged in a darkened room. "Dance at Bougival."

x

Stale beer toyed with her senses, battling against the glass of wine in front of her. Maura listened to the hubbub of the Dirty Robber, feeling at home in their usual booth. She kept one hand on her glass, ready to lift it to her mouth at regular intervals. The only problem were the eyes already following her every move.

"Thank you," she said, reaching her other hand across the table to Jane. "For trying to cheer me up."

"Anytime," Jane said, gripping the ends of her fingers.

Sipping her wine, Maura sank against her seat. She turned around, glancing across the room despite being unable to see anyone. She could feel the people around them. She battled with the desire to give in to her emotions.

"How many?" she asked.

"How many what?"

"How many people are watching me?"

"Nobody's watching you," Jane said. She went silent. She tugged at Maura's hand as she twisted around. "Oh."

She chewed her bottom lip, in a desperate attempt to push aside the tears that built up in her eyes. "People were doing it at the gallery, too."

"They were?"

Maura sighed. "I had a lovely time, I'm not sure I'd like to repeat it all that often, but I appreciate the effort you made."

"No," Jane said, clutching her hand. "I won't let you avoid places because some idiots can't keep their eyes to themselves."

"I know I look different." She reclaimed her fingers and tucked them on her lap under the table. "It's not their fault."

"Of course it is. They don't need to stare." Jane went silent, then her voice raised. "Never seen a beautiful woman before?"

"Jane. Don't."

"Why shouldn't I?" She gritted her teeth, twisting around. "I can't believe I didn't notice it. How did you know?"

"I could feel them staring."

"I'm sorry," Jane said. "I wish I could do something to stop it."

"I'm going to need to get used to it."

"You shouldn't have to."

"I don't have any choice."

They sat in silence. Maura sipped her wine, enjoying the taste of a fine glass of chardonnay. She closed her eyes and trusted her senses. She drank a little faster, until she felt the wine go to her head.

"The doctor said you can get plastic surgery, to repair some of the damage to your skin."

"Yeah." She placed her glass on the table. "I can."

"Maybe it's time you looked into it."

"Maybe." She downed the rest of her wine and let go of the glass. "Can you take me home now?"

"But it's quiz night."

She sighed. She missed knowledge, she missed testing her understanding and challenging her intelligence. The Dirty Robber quiz night was often filled with popular culture questions, but every week Korsak threw in something to test her. Her heart sunk, tears pricked at her eyes. "I don't want to stay here any longer. Please take me home."

"Okay," Jane said, standing up beside her. She reached for Maura's arm and helped her to her feet. "I could read the new medical journal to you in bed."

She rested her hand over Jane's and smiled. "Thank you. I'd like that."


	6. Chapter 6

**Author Note** **: Thank you so much to you all for your interest and kind words. I've had a weird and busy few days - my car has taken up so much of time because it broke and I had to go to work, somewhere where you can't get easily without a car. Still not got it back, but hopefully tomorrow. I haven't had much time to sit down and write outside of watching a TV programme.**

* * *

"Do you know what I see when I look at you?" Jane asked, lay on her back on Maura's bed.

Maura closed her eyes and sighed. "Please don't say I'm beautiful, again."

"Wasn't gonna."

She turned over and opened her eyes again, watching what she could only assume was Jane's chest rising and falling. "What do you see?"

The bed moved beside her. Maura reached out a hand, her fingertips collided with Jane's cheek. She trailed her fingers down to the bed, where Jane's hands cushioning her cheek against the bedsheets. "I see the scars of bravery. I see the eyes of a genius. I see the hands of a brilliant doctor. I see the lips of a woman I love more and more every day."

Closing her eyes again, Maura rolled onto her back, retrieving her hand from the space beside Jane's head. Her heart sped up. "Don't say that to me."

"Which part?"

She choked back the threat of tears. "That you love me."

"Why not? It's true."

"No." She pressed her lips tightly together. "It's not."

"Are you trying to say I don't feel what I feel?" Jane asked, her voice smaller than it was before.

Maura felt a level of guilt creep up. Her mind a maze of confusion. "I'm saying, it's not real."

"Why wouldn't it be real?" Jane's fingers brushed across her palm. "I love you, Maura."

"You don't," Maura said, pushing her hand away. "You feel guilty for what happened. You feel like you owe me something. You hate that you failed to protect me."

Jane's voice grew louder. Maura could sense her beside her, her breath hot against her ear. "Whether I feel guilty doesn't change the fact I love you."

"Yes. It does." Wringing her hands together, Maura edged away from the heat of Jane's body at her side. "There's a man sitting in a prison cell awaiting trial and you're hoping to God that he stays there because that's the only way you can feel better about what happened."

"I…" Jane's voice drifted off.

Maura filled the silence. "I don't blame you. I never have."

The silence continued, spreading out across the room, filling every crevice with a lack of comfort that filled Maura with dread. For many years' silence with Jane meant several things; they were eating, they were watching something, or they were mad at each other. Even when they were in the midst of a fight, it wasn't awkward. Lying there, she could sense the shift in mood, the tension sliced between their previously comfortable space. It was only when Jane's body moved closer, and her breath coated her ear again, that Maura turned her face.

"I loved you long before this, Maura," Jane said, running her fingers across her cheek. "I just never had the courage to tell you."

"No." Maura pushed her hand away and sat up. "You're just saying that. I don't believe you."

"But it's true." The bed shifted beside her. Maura slid her legs over the edge of the bed and stood up. She didn't want her to move closer again. She didn't want to be part of the conversation any longer but she had no easy way of leaving the room quickly, so she stood and folded her arms across her chest, trying not to listen to the words as Jane spoke. "You amaze me every day since you were hurt. You act like nothing can touch you half the time, and the rest of the time I just see how much of a human you are, like everybody else."

"I don't want you to love me like this." She lowered her head. "I'm not worth it."

"You are worth everything."

The sound of Jane's voice had shifted. Maura turned and could just about make out the shape of Jane's body moving about, stood on the other side of the room.

"No." She stared at the top of the shape, hoping she could connect her eyes to Jane's, if only for the briefest of moments. "Stop talking like that. You don't want me. You don't want this life."

"What life, Maura? A life with you?"

The shaped moved. She tried to follow it but Jane moved too quickly. She turned her head but it was too late. Jane stood in front of her. The blur changed, and she could feel her body heat, smell her familiar scent. She went to turn around when Jane started talking again, her voice loud and confronting, right there.

"You kissed me first. Did you expect me to ignore it and move on? Pretend it didn't happen? If I didn't want this life, our life together, then I wouldn't be here."

Maura pursed her lips. "You shouldn't be here. You should be out enjoying yourself. You should be at quiz night with Frankie and Nina, and your mother."

"Frankie, Nina, Korsak and Kent want to come see you."

"I've already said no."

"They love you, too." The volume of Jane's voice decreased. "Not in the same way, obviously, but they want to come visit."

She shook her head vehemently. "No visitors."

"I don't understand why you don't want them to come."

"I don't want them to see me like this," Maura said, turning around again. "Nobody should have to see me like this."

A hand landed on her shoulder. Maura tensed up, a lump settled in her throat. "I see you like this, you let me."

"You're…" She sighed. "You're different."

"Why?" Jane stepped closer to her, her mouth against her ear again. "Because you've made it clear that you don't think I'm here for any other reason than guilt. If I'm only here because I feel guilty, why do you let me?"

"I…"

"Maybe I should go." Jane stepped away. Maura continued to stare ahead, away from Jane. "Since you don't want me here, either."

"I…" Maura began but she couldn't find the words she needed to explain how she felt. The absence of her presence made her heart ache. She knew she was still in the room, but she missed the proximity.

"I'll see you around," Jane said. "Or, I guess, I won't. I'll get Ma to check on you."

"But…" Maura said, turning around.

"Bye, Maura," Jane said, inching closer until her lips pressed against Maura's cheek. She lifted her hand up to the spot Jane vacated quickly.

"Wait."

Maura reached out and grabbed at whatever she could hold, her fingers wrapped around material and skin. She lifted her other hand up to join them and moved her fingers up Jane's arm until she reached her face. With a finger resting on Jane's lips, Maura leaned in close and brushed them with her mouth.

"This is where I'm confused," Jane whispered, her lips millimetres from Maura's.

"I don't want to be alone," she said, running a finger across the length of Jane's chin.

"You can't keep doing this, Maura." A hand covered Maura's, holding it steady against Jane's cheek. She could feel Jane tilt her head against her skin. "It hurts when you tell me you don't want me; you can't tell me you need me."

Maura dropped her hand and inched backward. "I don't know how to feel differently."

"I don't expect it to all go away."

"Don't go," Maura said, she could hear the strain in her voice, feel the shift of her throat.

"Maybe it's better that I do. We can get someone to come in and sit with you, so you're not alone."

"No." Tears pricked her eyelids. Maura brushed them away before they could fall. "Please."

Jane heaved a sigh. "Don't do the crying thing."

"I can't help it," she said, brushing fresh tears from her cheek. "I need you to stay."

What felt like the longest silence followed. Maura listened, trying to sense whether Jane was still there.

"Will you let me love you?" Jane asked, barely audible.

"I…"

"I don't expect a relationship, Maura. I know it's difficult for you at the moment, I don't want to put pressure on you. But I need you to let me love you. Can you do that?"

"I don't know."

She stepped in close again, moulding her palms to Maura's cheeks, holding her face steady. Maura stared directly in front of her. "I want to look after you. Will you let me?"

"And you won't leave?"

"No. I won't leave."

Covering Jane's hands, Maura leaned in and kissed her softly, trailing her lips across her mouth. She moved her fingers across her neck, sliding them down over fabric and across her breasts, over her fabric covered stomach and along the edge of her shirt.

"What are you doing?"

"I don't know," Maura said, edging across a patch of skin.

"Okay."

She tugged at the hem of Jane's shirt, pushing it aside as she tickled Jane's bare back with her fingers, stopping only as she reached the band of Jane's bra.

"I don't think you want to do that," Jane said, but she could hear the brief moan on the edge of her words. "I don't want you to regret it."

"I won't."

She leaned in closer, digging her fingernails back down across Jane's skin. She moved her face forward, burrowing it against Jane's neck, breathing in the scent of her body.

"Is this okay?"

Jane hesitated. "I don't know what this is."

"I..."

"Are you…wanting to have sex?"

"No," Maura said. "I just want to remember what you feel like."

"Then, yeah, it's okay," Jane said, relaxing against Maura's touch as she continued her exploration of Jane's body.

x

The room was dark when Maura woke, or that's what she surmised from the lack of colour when she opened her eyes. She couldn't make out the shape of Jane's body dozing beside her, but she could hear the gentle mew of her breath, could feel her moving as she brushed a hand across her arm.

"I love you too," she whispered into the dark.

She nuzzled her face against her neck and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. She wanted to feel the depth of everything between them, she wanted to get lost in Jane's words. The last few months had been the hardest of her life and she didn't quite know how to navigate them; alone, with someone else, with Jane. Before, everything was different. She knew her feelings for Jane ran deep, she just didn't quite realise how far.

"I want to do this," she said, her words muffled by Jane's hair. "I just don't know how."

She untangled herself from Jane, lost in the darkness away from her warmth. She trailed her hands across to the end of the bed and lowered her feet to the floor. She stood up. She knew which side of the bed she'd fallen asleep on. She knew it was just a few feet to the bathroom door. Hands outstretched, she walked forward, shuffling her feet across the carpet, slowly, cautiously. She felt around her until her fingers collided with wood and a smile spread across her face.

"I can do this," she said, more to herself than anything.

She felt her way through the door, running her finger around the shower until her knees met the cool porcelain basin. When she sat down, tears coursed down her cheeks. Victory. Success. Her cheeks ached from the curve of her lips, forcing their way to her eyes. She'd been to the bathroom on her own before, but never in the dark, excepting once. She'd taken to avoiding liquids after a certain time so she didn't need to. It felt invigorating, like everything had suddenly changed.

Finishing up, she flushed the toilet and reached to her left, finding the sink. It didn't take long to wash her hands now that she knew where she was. The tricky bit was getting back to bed without colliding with something. She tried to remember what she kept around the bed, as far as she was aware Jane hadn't moved a thing, and if she could retrace her original steps, she'd be fine.

"Maura?" Jane shouted from the bedroom.

Maura skirted her way around the room, at the door she took the leap of faith across the carpet and hoped her legs would meet bed before too long. She stumbled forward onto the bed, laughing uncontrollably.

"I'm here," she said, reaching a hand out to Jane.

"You sound happy," Jane said.

She pawed across the bed sheets, on up Jane's arms to her face. Leaning in, she pulled her to her, kissing her for the longest moment until she pulled away, breathless.

"What was that for?"

"I peed, in the dark, on my own." Jane started laughing. Ordinarily it might have pushed Maura back down, but she joined in. "It's ridiculous, isn't it?"

"That you're happy you peed alone?"

"That I'm happy I managed it in the dark."

"I thought you'd be fine," Jane said. "Surely you pee in the dark anyway."

"I hit my leg on the toilet the last time I tried."

"You kissed me again."

"I know."

"You know it's confusing when you do that."

Maura sighed and gripped her hand. "I just need time. No pressure."

"So you get to kiss me whenever you want," Jane said. "But I've gotta ask permission? That doesn't seem fair."

"You don't have to ask permission. You can kiss me if you like. As long as there's no expectation connected to it."

She moved back, shocked by the lips pressing down on her lips, deepening the kiss as Jane's fingers trailed across her cheeks. She pulled back, breathing heavily. "Good."


	7. Chapter 7

**Author Note** **: Thanks for reading and reviewing the last chapter, this story seems to be well received and I'm really grateful for that. I hope you enjoy the next chapter. I don't know which story I'll work on next, Lullaby needs an update, but Rookie updates require 1000 words less than Lullaby ones, and the sooner I'm done with Rookie, Lullaby and Caecus, the sooner I can get on with the other stories I have planned. All could do with being finished by October because I go away for a month...**

* * *

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

Maura climbed out of the car and straightened out the front of her dress. She pushed the sunglasses further up her nose and trailed her fingers across the etched markings on her skin. She didn't want to face the world, nor did she really want to face any of her colleagues.

"Yes," she said, holding her arm out until she could feel Jane's fingers wrap around it. "I need to."

With Jane's hand on her arm, and her other hand against her back, they walked through the maze of Boston Police Department. She could hear the rustling of crisp uniforms travelling down the corridor, the tedious chatter of officers going about their daily routine. The elevator beeped as it arrived and they stepped inside. Bodies piled in around them, a suffocating space that Maura was wholly glad to step out of a few moments later.

"Are you sure?"

Maura rolled her eyes. "I'm sure."

"Doctor Isles!"

Kent's arms wrapped around her, the sound of his voice increased against her ear until all she could hear was his gentle breathing. He squeezed her tightly. She succumbed to the embrace, despite reservations. She stepped backward, almost colliding with Jane.

"It's great to see you, Detective Rizzoli said you wanted to come and see the place again…I mean, to look…to observ…" he sighed. "You wanted to come and visit."

"It's okay," Maura said, resting a hand against what felt like his upper arm.

"We're not nearly as prepared for you as I would have hoped," he said. A door squeaked and Jane pressed her hand against Maura's back again. She moved forward. "There's a lot of things I wanted to move out of the way."

"It's fine," Maura said, breathing in deeply. She could smell the formaldehyde, mixed with the earthy scent of the viscera. "You're in the middle of an autopsy."

"How did you…?" Kent asked, then drifted off. "I was in the middle of."

"The gallbladder," she said, cutting him off. Her lips curved. Her whole body felt lighter. "I can smell it."

"Alan Ritz, he's suspected to have died of a puncture to his lung."

"But?"

"He's got tumours on his lungs."

"Could you give me a moment, please?"

Silence. Maura listened to the tiny sounds Jane and Kent made, she could feel their movements. She sighed loudly and rested a hand on her hip.

"I'm not going to go anywhere," she said. "I'd just like a moment in here alone. You can stand outside the window and watch me, if it would make you feel more comfortable."

"We'll be right outside," Kent said.

Jane ran a hand across her wrist. "Just outside the door. Shout if you need me."

Their shoes tapped across the tiles. The hinge on the door squeaked again. Maura waited a moment longer, sending a glare across the room in the direction of where she suspected Jane was stood.

"Alright," she muttered. "I'm going."

The door squeaked closed and Maura breathed a sigh of relief. She stepped forward, her hand outstretched. She could feel the base of the examination table, a foot. She navigated her way around the room, touching every surface, remembering every footstep she'd taken over the years. By the time she reached the other side of the body, she felt her heart thrum inside her chest. Tears pricked at her eyes. She waved a hand, her head bowed.

"You ready to go?" Jane asked.

"No," Maura said.

"Then what?"

She sighed, forcing her lips to curve briefly, before allowing her natural expression to take over. She reached across to Jane's hand and gripped her skin. "I'm not ready, but it's time to go. Goodbye, Kent."

Out in the corridor, Maura's shoulders shook. The tears increased, coating her skin like trails of sweat across her back after vigorous exercise. The elevator beeped and the doors whooshed open. By the time they'd reached the parking lot, Maura stopped. She reached out to the brick walls by the door and gasped for air.

"Maura?" Jane's voice reached her ears about the same time as her hands reached her back, and she sunk into them.

"I'm never going to go back there," she said, struggling with every painful breath.

"Kent is happy for you to visit anytime you like."

"No." She shook her head vigorously. "There's no point in going back if I can't work. That was the last time, and it hurts."

"I'm sorry, Maura."

In the midst of the tears, she found herself laughing. A joyous sound she didn't expect to follow such sadness. She stood upright. "Since it happened, it's the first place I've felt completely safe."

"Really? Even with the body and the scalpels and things?"

She rolled her eyes. "Yes, Jane. Despite the somewhat dangerous tools, the examination room is the first place I ever learned to be okay with myself. I know it better than I know myself. I don't know if I know how to be without being a pathologist."

"Could you learn to do an autopsy like this?"

Frowning, Maura paused, then let out another laugh. "No, Jane. It's impossible. There are no blind pathologists. My work relies very much on being able to see evidence, without my vision, I will never be able to do it."

"Why were you laughing?"

"Because it's all over," she said. "Everything I've ever worked towards is finished."

"And that's funny because?"

"It's not."

A silence followed. The laughter subsided and Maura felt the tears resurface. She hunched over and sobbed, rubbing her eyes to stem the tears. She breathed slowly, pushing the tears aside.

"I need to go home."

"Are you sure?" Jane asked, cupping her cheek. "We could go get a coffee, or see Ma at the Robber."

"No." She covered Jane's hand with her own. "I just need to go home."

x

"Where are you going?" Jane asked.

Maura turned around, her hand on the edge of the banister. Her cheeks were red raw from the tears, her eyes dry. "To bed."

"No."

"No?"

"I won't let you do that, Maura, not again."

"Maybe it's what I need," she said, taking a couple of steps before stopping again. "I really need you to let me do this in my own way."

"I'm trying," Jane said, stepping closer. "But I won't sit and watch you wallow in your bed."

"Wallowing is a perfectly acceptable way to deal with my trauma."

Everything went silent. Maura's eyebrows creased together. She stared in the direction Jane was stood, waiting for her response. When Jane didn't speak, she stepped down a couple of steps.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Like what?" Jane sighed. "You can't even see me."

"I know you're staring," she said, walking toward her. "Don't you know this is already difficult enough? I don't need you judging me."

"Not judging."

"Really?"

"I'm worried."

"I'm fine."

"You spent the whole car ride back here sobbing. That's not fine."

"How would you feel if your career was over? If you'd had to say goodbye to the place you love the most."

"Crappy." Maura felt for the wall and leaned against it, still facing the direction where Jane's voice was coming from. "Maura, I want to help you through this. I know it sucks. Your career was important to you and you can't do it anymore, I get that."

"Do you?"

"Yes." The space in front of her filled, the warmth of Jane's body creeped ever closer. "If I lost everything I'd want to hide in my bed, too. But you're not me, Maura. You're better than that. When Jack left you got on with your life. When your parents were emotionally neglecting you, you sent yourself to boarding school. You're a fighter and I won't let this defeat you."

She lowered her gaze, staring down at the floor, at the single colour in front of her. "Everyone has something that can defeat them."

"Not you," Jane said, closing in around her. Maura breathed in slowly, her breath caught in the back of her throat. She could feel Jane's arm brush her side as she leaned against the wall. She could sense Jane's mouth, inches from her own, could feel the subtle hint of breath on her skin. "When you realised your career was over you went to your workplace and you said your goodbyes. You didn't roll over, you did something. You're gonna keep doing something until the day you find something else that matters just as much."

"No."

"Your life isn't over because you've lost your sight, your life isn't over because you lost your job. You might want to cry and hide away, and that's okay. But maybe you can wallow on the couch, or wallow in the kitchen making pasta."

"I can't make pasta anymore."

"Then eat ice cream, stuff your face with cake until you feel sick."

"I don't think that would be a health option."

"You could write about this, Maura," she said. "I've read your stuff; you can string sentences together better than Frankie can spell his own name some days."

She tried not to laugh, but her lips crept upward. "I don't think your brother would agree with that."

"You can tell the world what it's like to have a brilliant mind, and no vision."

"Technically I have some vision."

"You know what I mean."

"Jane," she said, resting a hand against her shoulder and pushing her back. "I understand what you're saying. I do. Tomorrow you can get me out of bed and make me put on proper clothing, and help me figure out what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. But today, today I need to wallow in my room. Okay?"

"I guess that would be okay."

She slid her hand over Jane's shoulder and up to her neck. Leaning forward, she brushed her lips against Jane's, taking a moment's pause to breath in, before deepening the kiss. Breathless, she leaned back again.

"I love that you're trying to help, I love that you want to pull me out of this depression. Today I need to feel it. Then tomorrow we can discuss learning to make tea or use a computer at the Blind Society, or writing about my life. Tomorrow you can kiss me like I know you've been wanting to for weeks. Just give me today."

"Okay."

She turned around and felt her way back toward the staircase, taking each step slowly, carefully as she made her way toward her bedroom. Despite how sad she felt, she felt hopeful that finally she could travel around her house without fear. She knew it as well as she knew the examination room at BPD, the only difference was her home didn't house as many dangerous items. At least it wouldn't once she asked Jane to put her fencing equipment and some of her more precarious ornaments into storage.

Climbing into the bed fully clothed, she wrapped the bedsheets around her body and closed her eyes. Her cocoon felt safe and warm, like a tiny chasm where nobody could reach her. She listened to the world around her, to the cars travelling outside her window. After what felt like a long while, there was a faint knock at the bedroom door. She sat up, pulling the sheets away from her face.

"Come in." She could hear the tread of Jane's feet across the carpet. "I hope those are bare feet dragging across my floor, Jane?"

"How did you know it was me?"

"I thought we'd already been through this."

"But my feet don't make noise on carpet."

"I could hear the way you dragged your heels across the floor," Maura said. "Besides, you're the only person home. I assume Angela won't be back for hours."

"No, just me," Jane said.

"What can I do for you?"

"It's not what you can do for me," Jane said, her weight pushing down the end of the bed. "It's what I can do for you."

"Did you get me ice cream?" she asked, sniffing the air.

"Your favourite," Jane said, handing her a bowl. She shifted her position on the bed and leaned back against the head board. "I also brought up a book."

Maura narrowed her eyes. "Are you trying to make a joke?" 

"It's one of those audio books, it was a recommendation for people who like fancy pants books," Jane said.

"What exactly is a fancy pants book?"

"Ones with more than two hundred pages." Maura laughed. "I downloaded it onto your laptop, all you have to do is press play or stop."

"And how do you expect me to do that?"

"I know you're not incapable of pressing a button, Maur," Jane said, grabbing her hand and directing it toward the keyboard. "You feel that, that's the right side of the laptop; third button down from the top, four to the left. You can press that button and it'll either start or stop depending on what you want to do."

"Oh." Maura smiled. "It's that simple?"

"It's that simple. I'll even plug it in so it doesn't lose power."

"Thank you, Jane."

She cupped her cheek again. Maura leaned her head against it as Jane kissed her forehead. "I'll leave you to wallow properly."

She grabbed her hand before she could move away. "You can stay, if you'd like. Just in case I forget which button to press. I'll even share my ice cream."

"That's alright," Jane said, scooting up along the bed to sit beside her. "I brought my own."


	8. Chapter 8

**Author Note** **: Thank you so much for your continued support for this fic - I can't believe how well received its been, and that's fantastic. There are never enough stories that include people with disabilities, and I recognise this one is probably far from perfect, and far from being as inclusive as it could be (after all the story is about the disability and not about a person who happens to have a disability). But it's something, and so far I'm really proud of how it's turning out. So thank you all for being here, and taking this on board.**

 **I feel like we're not far from the end, and that makes me sad in some ways, but I can't force more from a story that reaches its natural conclusion. I just hope I can do it justice.**

* * *

"Where have you been?" Jane asked the second Maura entered the house. Taken aback, Maura stumbled backward, Jane's arms wrapped tightly around her shoulders.

"Boston Society for the Blind and Partially Sighted," Maura said, stepping out of her arms and feeling her way along the wall towards the kitchen.

Jane followed close behind. "On your own?"

"Yes."

"How?"

"Your mother drove me, then drove me home."

Maura ran her hands along the counter until she found the cupboard she hoped was the right one. Reaching in, carefully, she pulled out a glass and carried it over to the sink.

"Where the hell is she?" Jane asked, her voice filling the near silence. "Did she just dump you out on the curb?"

"Of course not," Maura said, running the faucet. "She helped me to the door, but she had to go to work. I'm capable of walking into the house unattended. Tell me when it's full."

"What if no one else was home?"

"I didn't expect you to be."

"You're full." Maura turned off the tap and lowered her head, meeting the glass over the sink. She took a sip, and carried it across to the kitchen island. "How would you have managed?"

"I'm getting the hang of moving around the house now."

"Still…"

"Jane. I'm fine."

"I'm gonna have a word with Ma. She needs to be more considerate."

"Jane." Maura felt her temple pulse. "Stop. I'm okay. It was my choice. She was going to come in but I insisted. She was going to be late for work, because I was delayed leaving the Blind Society. She's done enough for me today, she doesn't need you berating her for it."

"Right." The stool scraped across the floor opposite her and she altered her gaze, following Jane as, Maura could only assume, Jane sat down at the counter. "Did you have a good time?"

"I did," she said, smiling.

"Want some lunch? I ordered a pizza."

"Pizza would be lovely."

x

The pizza box sat open on the kitchen counter. Maura sat beside Jane, chewing hungrily on a slice of pepperoni. Whilst she'd never had a love of pizza that could match Jane's, losing her sight gave her a newfound appreciation of the smell of pizza.

"So, tell me what the "blind society" is like," Jane said. Maura frowned, the hint of a smirk lingered in Jane's tone. "Is it full of blind people?"

She sighed. "Jane."

"What? It was a joke."

"Please don't make jokes like that." She lowered her pizza slice back onto the edge of the box. "Of course it's full of visually impaired people. In case it escaped your notice, I'm no longer full sighted."

"I know. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that."

"Whether you did or didn't, I'd rather you not make jokes about my disability."

Jane finished chewing and swallowed. The moment's silence stretched out, feeling like it was twice as long as it should have been. "You're not disabled, not like other people. You're a genius."

"Geniuses can have disabilities." Maura reached her hand out to her side, in search of Jane's fingers, but she couldn't find them. She pulled her hands back onto her lap. "Albert Einstein was dyslexic, and he had difficulty with social interactions. Vincent Van Gogh is known worldwide because of his artistic skill, and yet he was known to have suffered depression. Beethoven is one of the greatest composers in history, all whilst having a hearing impairment. You can be extraordinary and still face a disability."

"Yeah, okay." Jane sighed. "But you're still you."

"I am." Maura frowned, feeling the deepening of the crease between her eyebrows. "That is exactly right. I'm still me. I also have a disability."

"But you're not like other disabled people."

Pressing her lips together, Maura's composure wavered. "In what way?"

"I don't know. You're just not."

Breathing in slowly, Maura found a semblance of calm, before continuing. "I'm going to let how I feel about this go because I know you mean well, but what you're saying is offensive."

"Oh."

The disappointment in Jane's voice only confused her further. The words, the tone of Jane's voice, bothered her, and yet she knew Jane better than anybody.

"Disabled people are no different from you. They're no different from me, the me before I suffered this injury and the me now. They're humans with the same blood, the same skin. The only difference is we have something we can't do the same, or as easily, as others."

"I know, I just…" Jane's voice trailed off, lost in a sea of confusion and awkward tension.

"No." Maura cut her off. She couldn't listen to her excuses, not now, not today. She'd had the best time at the Blind Society, and she didn't want to have to deal with Jane's lack of understanding. "Jane. Please, let me finish. Being disabled does not make me different."

"I didn't mean you."

"Maybe you didn't, but you meant other people who are like me, which be default includes me."

A brief break in Jane's voice hit Maura where it hurt. "I didn't mean to offend you."

She sighed. "I'm differently abled now. I am still the same person; I still love the things I love."

"I really didn't mean it like that, Maura."

"You might not, but that's how it comes across."

"I'm sorry."

"I know. Please can you consider the words you use in future, they matter, they make a difference."

"Okay." Jane went silent for a moment. It stretched out between them, pulling them at a distance for the first time in what felt like forever. "So what did you do there?"

"I had a look around," Maura said, her cheeks ached from the width of her smile.

The briefest sound escaped Jane's lips, sending Maura right back into a place of disappointment and sadness. "You looked around?"

"Jane. Please."

"I'm sorry," she said. "Even you've got to admit that's not a good way to put it."

"How else can I put it? The English language is intrinsically linked to sight. I had a look around, I saw the facilities. I may not have seen it with my eyes, but I was still shown the centre. We did it differently to how you might be shown around, but it is the same thing."

"What did you see?" Jane asked, her voice still light and laced with laughter.

Maura pursed her lips. "You need to stop doing that."

"I'm sorry. It's kinda funny."

She licked her lip and tried to maintain a steady breath. "It was a little funny the first few times. Now it's annoying, and offensive. This is my life, it is not a joke."

"Okay." Jane's voice changed from jovial to serious, her tone sorrowful. "I'm sorry."

When she was sure that Jane had stopped joking around, she recalled her day. "They told me about the different classes they run; I signed up for a computer class where I'll learn how to use the software required for using a computer."

"That'll be good. Then you can get back to the shopping I know you love so much."

"I do miss shopping," Maura said, smiling. "I really wanted to sign up for a cooking class that starts next week but they suggested I wait a while until I've done some of the other classes. Apparently cooking at this stage is like trying to run when I can barely even stand up. I'm hoping to start on the next braille class; it's not used as much anymore because of all the technology that makes it a little redundant. I like the idea of knowing it."

"Of course you do, you're a brain box." Jane paused. "I can still say that, can't I?"

"Yes Jane," Maura said, reaching out to her arm. She wrapped her fingers around Jane's wrist. "You may. My visual impairment doesn't lower my IQ."

"What's the technology that's replaced braille? I thought all blind people knew braille."

"No, fewer than ten per cent of blind people can read braille; it used to be a lot higher a few decades ago. There have been many great inventions, such as label readers to read packaging in the grocery store, or CDs and DVDs at home. You can create your own labelling system."

"You don't need a DVD collection, you have Netflix."

"Which I can't see."

"Oh. Yeah."

"There are many products that come in talking versions – calculators, watches, scales, microwave ovens. You can even get measuring jugs and thermometers that are accessible. Sue, from the Blind Society, was telling me about the products from a great website she uses. I'd like a first aid kit, there's also a blood pressure cuff, and clinical thermometer. I'd like a talking globe, it's in the children's section, but I like the idea of being able to find things on a map."

"That's what Google maps is for." She rested her hand over Maura's. "Surely you could just use Siri."

"This is better, Jane," Maura said, squeezing her arm a little harder. The more she found out, the more excited she became. "It's easier for me. I'm sure once I know how to use a computer, and I've learned how to use a cellphone again, I'll be able to use Google. Just not right now. There's also beginners yoga for the blind and visually impaired."

"At the Blind Society?"

"No, from the website."

"You already know how to do yoga."

"That may be so but I'd like to see how they teach blind people to do it."

"Won't it just be someone telling you how to do it?"

"Maybe, but I won't know until I've purchased it."

"Sounds a bit pointless, but okay." Jane rubbed her hand across the back of Maura's. "What else is there? A talking fridge? A kitchen sink?"

Letting out the briefest laugh, Maura lowered her hand. "I didn't see the whole catalogue. I'm considering getting one of every item, though it would be good to go to a convention to see them all. I'd like to get a talking bible, regardless."

She could almost hear the turning of the cogs in Jane's brain, so much so that it didn't surprise her when she finally asked "But you're not religious."

"So?"

"So why do you need a bible?"

"You never know when it might come in handy."

"Do you have a bible now?"

"Yes, I have three versions; American Standard, King James 2000 Version, and the new International Reader's Version."

Her words muffled as she chewed on another slice of pizza. "I will never understand some things about you, Maura. Why didn't I know that, the least religious person I know, had not one, but three copies of the bible?"

"I don't really use them."

"Have you ever?"

"I referred to a couple of the Psalms a few months before my accident."

Jane clicked her tongue in her mouth. "The attack?"

"Sue thought it might be worth using more positive terminology when I talk about my injury."

"Why? You didn't have an accident, that's not being positive."

"I want to try it out," Maura said. She didn't quite know what she thought about the idea. Positivity was not necessarily something she bought into. "I wanted to see how it feels."

"Everything doesn't have to be positive," Jane said. "You can't be positive all of the time, it won't change the fact you're permanently injured."

"I know. But I can't keep being negative about it, either."

She picked up her half eaten slice of pizza and took another bite, listening to the soft chewing of Jane's mouth beside her. She couldn't remember such a good day before, a day where she wasn't tied to the people in her life in the way she had been for weeks.

"I need you to buy everything for me," Maura said, after swallowing a mouthful of pizza. "Or help me to do it myself. Maybe we can go to one of the conferences coming up in a couple of months, though I don't want to wait that long for everything. First I'd like a personal assistant and attach it to all of my devices here."

"What's that?" Jane asked, dropping a crust onto the box. Maura reached out and picked it up, handing it back to Jane. She groaned loudly. "It's good for you."

"It's hard and too crunchy." A moment later, she chewed it loudly.

"I suppose it's a little like Siri, but for your home. You can connect it to the thermostat, sockets, lightbulbs."

"So you ask it to do something and it does it?"

"Yes."

"Oh."

Maura sighed, confused by the range of emotions evident in Jane's voice. "You sound disappointed."

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"Well, if you do all these things you can do everything, can't you?"

"Not quite," Maura said, frowning.

"But a lot of stuff."

"What is wrong with that, Jane?"

"What about me?"

"What about you?" Maura narrowed her eyes. "This is how I become independent. This is how I get my life back. For most of my life I have not relied on anyone."

"I like that you need me," Jane said, cutting her off before she could say anything more. Her heart sank and she felt the sadness seep through. The one thing she'd hated about the last few weeks was being dependent on Jane, it hadn't occurred to her that Jane might actually enjoy that.

"I'm still going to need you." She twisted around in her seat and reached out, trailing her hands up and around her cheeks, pulling Jane in close until she could capture her lips. "I'm going to need you for lots of things. Cooking, cleaning, filling my coffee cup, those are things I want to be able to do myself."

"But I like that you depend on me," Jane said, cutting herself off with another kiss.

"I don't like being dependent on anyone." Maura pulled her mouth away, her hands still tucked around Jane's cheeks. "Especially you."

"Oh. Right."

Maura rubbed her fingers across her skin. "That's not to say that I haven't appreciated everything you've done. It means so much to me. I don't want you looking after me forever, least not out of some semblance of owing me something, or guilt."

Jane moved herself out of her grasp. Maura reached out to her, but she disappeared off her stool and her shoes tapped across the kitchen a few feet away.

"That's what you think?" Jane asked. "That I'm doing this because I feel guilty?"

"That thought has crossed my mind," Maura said, trying to be honest.

"Is that why you won't let me kiss you?"

"I don't mind if you kiss me," she said.

"You don't mind, but you don't want it."

"I never said I didn't want it." Maura gripped the edge of the counter and placed her feet on the ground. She turned to face where she anticipated Jane to be. "I just worry that this thing between us came from a place of guilt."

The break in Jane's voice hit her hard. "That's how little you think of me?"

"No," she said, stepping forward. She collided with Jane's stool and cursed loudly, rubbing her hip.

"Sorry." Jane stayed at a distance. "Do you really think I'd do that? You kissed me first."

"I know." She rubbed her hip. "I shouldn't have. I should have talked to you about my feelings."

"Which are?" Jane asked, her voice growing harsher. "Are they even real? Or do you only feel something because I'm here?"

"Now you're being petulant," Maura said. She felt her way around the stool. "Having to depend on you, to adapt to this, to learn a new world, I learned what really matters."

"So did I," Jane said, her voice broke again.

"Good," Maura said, stepping forward, she reach out again until her fingertips touched Jane's shoulders. "I'm glad."

She stepped closer, closing the gap until her face was inches from Jane's. She breathed deeply, allowing her breath to tickle Jane's skin. "Can you please not replace me with everything you can possibly buy?"

"We'll see," Maura said, smirking. "But I did pick up some information on a class you can take."

"Me? What is it?" Jane asked.

"Sighted guide, to help me navigate. I can't do that on my own. If I've never been there before, I need you to help me learn. Would that help you feel more useful?"

"I guess so," Jane said, lowering her forehead against Maura's.

Resting a hand on each of her cheeks, she moved her lips towards Jane's, then stopped. "You can kiss me, if you'd like."

The gap shrunk. Jane's lips graced over the surface of Maura's before she pulled back again. "Maybe later."

Smacking her playfully, Maura laughed until it merged with Jane's. Her lips landed on Maura's and they stood like that for a moment, their mouths joined, moving together in what felt like the perfect moment.


	9. Chapter 9

**Author Note** **: Reviews are certainly not the most important thing in the world, but I was very surprised at how few I got for the last chapter, compared to all of the chapters before. I know it was a little hard going. Hopefully I didn't put some of you off! Thank you to everyone who has left a comment, or favourited/followed, etc. I appreciate you all. This story is dangerously close to the end...it's not had the biggest story arc, in terms of having a massive climax, but I hope it's been an interesting story to read. Here's what I think is the penultimate chapter...**

* * *

Maura sat on the couch in her home, listening to the constant conversation surrounding her. Frankie, Nina, Angela, Jane, Korsak and Kiki. The people she cared about the most in the world. Kent handed her a glass of wine.

"Congratulations," he said, sitting down beside her.

She reached over and kissed his cheek. "Thank you. Though it's bittersweet."

"Naturally." He held her hand tightly. "But that man is behind bars, he can't ever hurt anyone else again."

"For a few years, at least," she said.

"Everybody, can I have your attention?" Jane asked. The room went silent. Kent's hand still tucked around Maura's and she squeezed it back, thankful for his support and friendship. "We're gathered here to celebrate the scumbag who hurt Maura going down, so please, raise a glass. To Maura."

"To Maura," everyone said. Glasses clinked. Maura held her wine up and felt the jolt as several glasses collided with it. She smiled as the conversation started up again. Nina and Frankie were discussing a constellation they'd been looking at the night before. What Maura would have given to be able to see the stars again.

"It's time for presents," Angela said.

"Which presents?" Maura asked.

"Your presents, silly."

Maura frowned. "I have presents?"

"Lots of presents," Korsak said.

Frankie patted her knee. "A whole pile."

A small box was placed in her lap and she felt her way across the paper, tearing it off slowly. A smile crept across her face. "I don't suppose you needed to wrap it."

"Nonsense," Kiki said. "Unwrapping is part of the fun, even if you can't see what you get."

"What is it?" Maura asked, once the paper was discarded on the floor.

"It's a talking alarm clock," Korsak said, grasping her hand. She squeezed back. "That way you'll never be late again."

"Thank you, that's very thoughtful."

A handful of other presents later, she unwrapped the final one. "Nina, what is it?"

"It's a gift card for Uber, so you can get around easily."

"Oh, thank you." Maura placed the gift card down on the pile in front of her and wiped at her cheek. She stood up and reached across the edge of the couch. "Please excuse me."

She escaped up the stairs and found her way back to her bed. Further tears coated her skin. A tapping at the door made her brush the tears aside and clear her throat.

"Hello?"

"Didn't know it was me?" Jane asked, the bed shifted as she sat down beside her. "You okay?"

"I don't know why I pushed them away for so long," Maura said. "I can't believe they bought me gifts. I can't believe that man is going to go to jail for what he did. It's been such an emotional day."

Jane ran a hand across her shoulder. "I'll send everyone home."

"You don't have to."

"They won't mind, as long as they can come visit again soon."

"Maybe next weekend," Maura said.

"I'll let them know."

She lay down on the bed, curling up against her pillow. A few minutes later, Jane returned and climbed onto the bed beside her.

"You feeling any better?"

"It was overwhelming; to feel how much everybody cares. Their gifts were considerate, and nobody tried to make me feel better by telling me to think positively."

"Sue already getting on your nerves?" Jane asked.

Maura smiled. "A little. I don't know how she does it. How can anyone feel positive when they're faced with the person who caused their disfigurement and disability?"

"They can't. Most people probably can't."

"I don't know what I did to deserve so many amazing people."

"I do," Jane said, gripping her hand. They lay in silence for a few minutes. "I didn't mean to upset you the other day."

"No." Maura tucked her hands beneath her pillow. She could see the rough shape of Jane in front of her, and for the first time in weeks, she longed to be able to see her face. "But it did."

"I know," Jane said, creeping closer, her breath hot against Maura's cheek. "I should have shut up the first time you told me what I said wasn't okay."

"Why didn't you?"

"I dunno." The close proximity of Jane's face lessened. Maura reached a hand out which collided with her shoulder. "I want to laugh with you, Maura. I want to see you smile like you used to. You used to laugh at my stupid jokes."

She pressed her lips together. She wanted to see Jane laugh, too, but no matter how hard she tried, she never would. She sighed. "I guess it's not as funny when you're the butt of said jokes."

"I wasn't joking about you," Jane said.

"That being so, as I said the other day, now I'm included in the people who were." Maura trailed her hand down Jane's arms and interlinked their fingers. "Once upon a time I might have laughed at the idea of the phrase "I had a look around" but now I see things differently. Just because there's never been someone around to tell us that that kind of joke isn't okay, doesn't mean it's fine."

"I get that now."

She reclaimed her fingers and shifted about beside her. Maura reached out again, her hand hitting Jane's other shoulder. She moved her hand up to her face. She cupped her cheek.

"And I understand that you're struggling with where we're at," Maura said, leaning closer. She stroked her fingers across her skin, could feel the movement of Jane's jaw as she spoke.

"What do you mean?"

"You like feeling needed," she said, brushing back her hair from her face. "You like that I rely on you for things. You've always been the hero, the person who saves the day and does things to make life a little better for others. That is who you are and it's one of the things I love about you, Jane. The only problem with your need to look after me, is that I need to look after myself."

Jane sighed. "You said you were going to let me love you."

"I can let you love me, and be independent." She sat up, her hand falling from Jane's face. "The two things don't have to be separate. I want you to love me. I want you to be the person I wake up to in the morning. When I'm with you I feel safe, and I feel like everything is going to be okay. Please don't ruin that."

"I don't want to." The bed shifted again and Jane's voice moved to in front of her face. "I didn't mean to."

"I know you didn't," she said, grasping at both of her hands. She clutched them in her lap.

"I really am sorry." Jane squeezed her fingers. "I'm trying. This is not what I thought we'd be doing this year. I had all these plans and everything's changed. You've changed."

"I had to." Maura paused, letting the silence fall between them. "I'm still me, the disability doesn't change that. But being disabled has changed me. I have to learn everything I know all over again. It's the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and I got the highest grades in my class at med school."

"I know." Jane's voice softened. "It's not your fault. That doesn't mean that I'm not still really sad about it. I wanted to go on vacation together. I was going to take you to the mountains, or the beach, wherever you wanted to go."

"We can still go."

"I was going to tell you how I felt. I was going to explain to you that when I'm with you, sometimes I can't breathe properly."

Her breath caught in her throat. Maura wrapped both hands around one of Jane's. "We don't have to go anywhere for you to tell me that."

"Things changed so quickly," she said, taking her hand away. "I'm still trying to get used to it. I've been patient, I've tried to wait until you're in a better place. I thought if I make jokes then maybe we'd be able to get through this quicker."

"It's going to take as long as it takes."

"I don't know how much longer I can do this."

"Do what?"

Another silence fell between them. Maura listened to the movement of the bedsheets, could hear Jane's feet padding across the carpet. She listened to the sound of tears catching as Jane pushed them aside.

"Hold myself together."

Maura placed her hands down in front of her and guided her way off the bed, in the direction she hoped Jane was. She moved across the floor until she could cup Jane's face again. Teardrops landed on her fingertips. "You're crying."

"No," Jane said, moving away again.

"I know you're lying."

Jane breathed heavily. "You needing me is the only thing that's kept me together these past few months."

"Oh."

"Without that, I don't know where I fit in and it scares me. I don't want to lose you."

"Why would you lose me?" Maura asked, narrowing her eyes.

"Because you don't need me anymore."

She reached out but couldn't feel Jane in front of her. "I've already told you that I do."

"I know, but it doesn't feel like that."

"Jane," she tried again, her hands hitting the fabric of her jersey. She slipped a hand around Jane's waist and pulled in close. "I need you. I need you to be my best friend. I need you to be the person I come home to after I learn something new. I need you to be the person who helps me relearn how to cook."

"You'll still be a better cook than me."

She smiled, tracing the outline of her chin. She replaced her fingers with her lips, pressing them to Jane's skin, trailing them along her jawline. "I need you to kiss me when you get home from work, and hold me when everything gets too much again."

"Maura."

"It's okay." She slipped her other arm around Jane's waist and pressed herself as close as she could get. "I might not need you to do everything for me, but that's because I don't want to be a burden. I want you to want to be with me, and not be stuck looking after me."

"I'd never feel stuck with you," she said, her voice louder this time.

She ran a hand across Jane's hair. "You don't know how you might feel ten years down the line."

"We're still gonna be friends by then?"

Taken aback, Maura narrowed her eyes. "Aren't we?"

"Yeah," Jane said, her voice cracking under the pressure. "I hope we'll be a lot more."

"That's what I'm trying to say." She reached across her face for her nose, and lowered the tip of her nose to Jane's. "I don't want you to be the person who cleans up after me. I don't want you to be my carer. I want you to be my partner, my friend, my lover. I want us to be together."

"That's all I really want, too," Jane said.

"Good."

Leaning in close, Maura brushed her lips against Jane's, her fingers danced across her back and on up to her neck. She held her steady, merging her mouth with Jane's until Jane responded and they kissed for a while. It felt differently now, like she could feel every movement of their mouths, smell every heady scent that passed from Jane's body. She trailed her hands back down across Jane's back, along her waist, and up against the edge of her jersey. She nibbled on the edge of her lip, breathless, her fingertips colliding with hot, bare skin.

"What are you doing?" Jane asked, resting her hands on Maura's wrists.

She breathed into another kiss. "Don't you want me to?"

"God," Jane whispered, cupping her cheeks. "I've wanted you too for weeks. But do _you_ want to?"

"I wouldn't be doing it if I didn't want to," Maura said, slipping her fingers further under the fabric of her jersey. She pulled it up, hoping that Jane would respond. When nothing got in her way, she pulled the jersey up and over her arms and head, tossing it aside.

Jane's lips landed on her neck, sucking and nibbling at her skin. Maura laughed lightly, turning her head to the side as she allowed her better access to her skin. She could feel Jane's hesitation. "How does it work when you can't see?"

"I'm hoping the same way," she said, smiling. She dug her fingernails into Jane's back, unhooking her bra and sliding her hands back around her front. "I just can't see what I'm doing."

"I guess I don't need to feel self-conscious," Jane said, pushing Maura's hands harder against her bare breasts. "Since you can't see me."

"I see you," Maura said, sending a wave of kisses along her collarbone and down to the soft skin of her bare nipples. "I'll always see you."

Tucking her hands around Maura's waist, she allowed Jane to lift her from the floor, putting her whole trust in her until her back landed on the bed and Jane fell on top of her. She lay back, submissive as Jane unbuttoned her pants and pulled them away, followed by her shirt and underwear. She lay, vulnerable, under her touch.

"On the other hand," Maura whispered. "You can see so much more of me."

Jane smiled. Her cold fingers ran up along the edges of her body. She closed her eyes and pretended, just for a moment, that she could see everything if only she opened them again.

"All I see is a beautiful woman," Jane whispered, nibbling her earlobe, her hands danced across her skin. When her fingers touched Maura's face, she flinched. Jane kissed the scarred skin on her cheeks. "Don't. It's part of you. It's part of who you are now, and I don't hate it. It's different, but it's still you."

A couple of tears strolled down across the damaged skin, brushed away with Jane's lips. "I love you, Jane."

"I love you too," Jane whispered, capturing her lips again.


	10. Chapter 10

**Author Note : Wow. Thank you all for the amazing response throughout this story. I'm not sure when I last had a story that was this well received, and this well commented on. The last chapter was certainly popular with you, but this whole story has really opened my eyes in many ways. I tried something new, for me, and it's been a challenge, but it's also been a learning curve. I have learned more about visual impairment, I have learned more about challenging storylines, and I have learned more about people's capacity to accept the more difficult parts of a person's life.**

 **Thank you for being part of this story, for reading, following, favouriting, and especially for commenting. You make it all the more worthwhile. This story is over now, but I do have another story that I am hoping to post up today. I've had a couple of stories I've been working on behind the scenes, so please look out for it - it's called Slide.**

 **I know it's been hard losing the show, for many, to have it end. But I hope my stories will help, at least a little, in the short term.**

* * *

The doctor moved his fingertips across Maura's face, scanning the length of the scars. She flinched, her breath hitched in her throat, until the second he pulled back. Papers shifted in front of her, a chair creaked with movement. A couple of tears slipped from her eyelids, strolling down the flesh of the disfigurement. She swiped the back of her hand across her cheek, as surprised as she'd been that first day she'd been able to touch it, at how foreign it felt.

"You're okay," Jane whispered, squeezing her hand. She breathed deeply, struggling to control her emotions as she breathed out.

"Maura," Doctor Sansing said, his voice level, warming. "I think I can help."

"You can?" She sat up a little straighter, tears overflowed down her face. She turned to where Jane sat beside her and squeezed her hand back.

"It's going to take a few procedures; cortisone injections, skin grafts, and it may look worse before it gets better. I can't promise you that you will ever have the face you had before, but we're going to try to get you a face that will make you feel more comfortable. If you're willing to put in the hard work."

She nodded, brushing tears from the edge of her chin. "Yes. I want to try. Thank you."

The chair creaked again. Maura could feel Doctor Sansing stood in front of her. Jane tucked a hand around Maura's elbow and they stood too. "I'd like you to come back here in a couple of weeks and we'll get started."

"That would be fine." Maura shook her head. "Except that we have a vacation planned, just a few days at the beach."

"Speak to Mary on the way out and she'll book you in for when you return."

"Thank you, Doctor Sansing," Jane said.

"Yes, thank you, Doctor." Maura held out a hand.

He gripped it on both sides. "You're more than welcome."

She felt Jane's hand wrap around her waist and allowed her to guide her from the office. A small sliver of hope forced its way into the world, into her heart, and Maura felt like crying all over again.

x

"What's this?" Jane asked, tucking her hands around Maura's waist and kissing the side of her neck.

"Dinner."

A moment's silence followed. Maura narrowed her eyes. She felt her way across Jane's neck and over her face. The crease between her eyebrows was deep.

"Are you frowning? What's wrong with dinner?"

"You're blind, Maura," Jane said, grasping her hands and lowering them. "I know we both know that, so I'm wondering how the hell you managed to cook anything that doesn't get shoved in a microwave oven. You've been eating cereal and stuff Ma leaves for you in the morning for months. Easy stuff."

"I learned how to cook something a little more substantial," Maura said, smiling. She picked up one plate and made her way across the kitchen toward the table. "Can you get your plate and some cutlery?"

Another silence.

She sighed.

"It's burger and fries, Maura. How did you cook burger and fries?"

"I told you. I learned. I sat in on a class where they made a basic meal. I didn't have everything I needed – I couldn't find my George Forman – so I had to improvise a little." Maura sat down. She felt her way across her plate and picked up a couple of fries. "Is it really that bad?"

"I haven't tasted it yet," Jane said, her voice closer as she sat down opposite her. "But it looks okay."

Maura put the fries into her mouth, then spat them back into her hand. She groaned, tears filling her eyes. "Fries aren't cooked enough."

"That's okay." Jane's hand touched her wrist. Maura pulled it away.

She could hear a knife and fork on Jane's plate. Not being able to see the expression on her face made the act of waiting for her to taste the food all the harder. Jane chewed, her teeth mashed together.

"It's horrible, isn't it?"

"The burger is…crunchy," Jane said.

"Burned?"

Jane laughed a little. "Yeah. Kinda."

"I thought I could do it," Maura said, pushing her chair back and walking across the kitchen with her plate. She left it on the counter. "It seemed so easy in the class. I guess I didn't really learn how to do it properly. They let me sit in but I should have participated."

Jane's footsteps came closer. Maura turned around. She reached for Jane, holding tightly to her body as she pulled her into an embrace. She pushed her face against her neck, allowing fresh tears to flow.

"It's okay," Jane said, brushing her hair down the back of her head. "Let's try something else."

"What?" Maura asked.

She guided her across the room. Maura sat down on the couch. The television turned on and she could hear a housing programme. She listened to the woman's methodical voice, going through various steps involved in house renovation.

"Drink this," Jane said, handing her a wine glass. She lifted it to her lips and sipped. "I'll get started on dinner and you can help when I get to an easier bit. How does that sound?"

"Okay, I guess."

In between the hammering, drilling and what sounded like someone painting a wall, Maura could hear Jane muttering to herself. She could hear the bubble of boiling water, and the incessant tapping of a knife slicing through something and hitting the chopping board below.

"Are you ready for me yet?" she asked, only for Jane to hand her another glass of wine.

After a few more minutes, Jane reached out a hand and took Maura's. "Come on."

She followed her across the kitchen. Jane turned on the faucet and she washed her hands, front and back, between her fingers, until she was certain they were as clean as they were going to be.

"Are you ready?"

She nodded. Jane linked her fingers over the top of Maura's and lowered their hands onto the counter top. Her fingers collided with powder and a squishy warm substance. She breathed in slowly, trying to assess what it was she was touching.

"Gnocci?"

"How did you know?" Jane asked.

"I can smell the potato and egg."

Together, they pulled the flour, egg and potato together. Moulding it with every action, pulling it into a dough. Maura closed her eyes, allowing Jane's hands to guide them through the process of combination. Eventually, it became more like a dough and less like a gooey substance.

"Now you can knead it," Jane said, removing her hands.

Maura continued the action, pulling it over and pushing it back, until it came together further. She breathed in slowly. "I've missed this."

"Ma's gnocci? She makes it all the time."

"No." She moved the dough, rolling it into a long rectangular shape. "Cooking. Doing things I could do before."

"You'll be able to do it again," Jane said, brushing her hair from her face and kissing her cheek. "Once everything's set up, you can prepare gnocci without any help. When you learn how to use that thermometer thingy and the water level whatsit, you'll be cooking gnocci like a pro."

Maura shrugged. "I don't know about that."

"Here," Jane said, putting a cutter into her hand and guiding it through the dough. "Think you can do the rest?"

"I can try." She rested her thumb across the dough, in an attempt to measure the distance from the cut piece. She chewed on her bottom lip as she concentrated on placing the cutter back onto the dough. It sliced through with ease. "How's that?"

"Perfect," Jane said. "You finish that and I'll start on the sauce."

"You've not started the sauce?"

"It doesn't need long to cook."

"That's what you always say." Maura moved her hand across the dough and cut another piece. "But Angela always starts the sauce first, so it has time to cook fully."

"Well, I'm not Ma, and this is how I do it. So finish off cutting the dough so we won't still be here at nine pm."

Maura sighed. "I'm not very fast, you know."

"I know," Jane said, kissing her shoulder. "I'm just joking. Even if we eat at midnight, I don't care."

x

"It wasn't midnight," Maura said, lying on her side under the bedsheets.

"No, it wasn't," Jane said, pulling her into her arms.

Maura breathed in the heady scent of Jane's skin, could feel her whole body tingle with the proximity. She trailed her fingers across Jane's shoulders and down her back, tugging away the edge of her sweater.

"Not yet," Jane whispered, cupping her cheeks. She stopped moving her hands, resting them on the small of her back, skin to skin. "You know I love you, don't you?"

"Yeah. I know."

"Maura." Jane's voice grew louder, her breath tickled Maura's cheek. "I'm so proud of you. How far you've come these last few weeks. I know it's been hard, and it's still gonna be hard, but look at you. We made gnocci, Maura. You know what Sue said, not to run before you can walk. There's no rush. I'm not going anywhere. You don't have to do this alone."

"I know," she said, sighing. "Thank you, for being here, for being the most amazing support I could have ever asked for."

"I wouldn't wanna be anywhere else."

"So much has happened, there's still so much change to come. There's still some days when I don't know if I can do this, be this person who can't see."

"You can do anything," Jane said, capturing her lips. "You can be anything. If it was possible to be a blind medical examiner, I'm sure you'd be right in there being the first."

"I don't want to be a medical examiner anymore," Maura said, tangling her finger up in Jane's curls. "It's in my past. But maybe I can find a way of incorporating it into my future."

"What do you mean?"

"Teaching." She sighed. "I always thought I'd do more teaching, eventually. When I became older, ready to retire. It's going to take some time before I feel ready. I'd like to get through the treatment for my scars first. Then when I'm healing, maybe I can look at getting a teaching position."

"That's a brilliant idea." Jane moved her hands up across Maura's back. "I always thought you'd be a good teacher."

"Just not right now," Maura said. "There's still too much I need to do; to recover, to adapt to this world. I need to look after myself until I'm ready to do something more. Is that okay with you?"

"Why wouldn't it?" 

"I don't know." Maura twirled her finger across Jane's cheek. "I guess I feel more of a burden being at home all day. At least when I'm working I'll have lunch prepared for me. If I can get a position at BCU, which I'd like, I can eat in the canteen. They do the best chicken pot pie, every Tuesday in the Harlow canteen."

Jane laughed lightly against her face, her breath tickled her skin.

"What?"

"You're months away from even trying to get a teaching job and you're already thinking about what you're going to have for lunch."

"It was really good pie."

"Maybe we can go and eat it sometime."

Maura shook her head. "Only faculty and students can eat in the canteen."

"Even when you're faculty?"

"I could probably sneak you in."

"Maura?"

"Yes, Jane."

"You're gonna be alright, I know you are."

"I hope so."

* * *

 **The End/It's over/there will be no more...unless I write a sequel...**


End file.
